Lars Von Trier is sorry about your frilly panties

Earlier today, I told you about Lars Von Trier’s now-infamous “I’m a Nazi” declaration at the Cannes press conference for his film, Melancholia.  That naturally put outraged queef bubbles in all the girls’ panties, and Von Trier has since been forced to issue an apology, because you know how girls are when you get them going. (*makes “yap yap yap” symbol with hand*)

PREVIOUS, 9:05 AM: The Cannes Film Festival has just issued a press release saying it was disturbed by von Trier’s comments and asked for an explanation from the Danish director, who it said has apologized.
The Festival de Cannes was disturbed about the statements made by Lars von Trier in his press conference this morning in Cannes. Therefore the Festival asked him to provide an explanation for his comments.
The director states that he let himself be egged on by a provocation. He presents his apology.
The direction of the Festival acknowledges this and is passing on Lars von Trier’s apology. The Festival is adamant that it would never allow the event to become the forum for such pronouncements on such subjects.

Director Lars von Trier: “If I have hurt someone this morning by the words I said at the press conference, I sincerely apologize. I am not anti-semitic or racially prejudiced in any way, nor am I a Nazi.” [Deadline]

I always appreciate it when a guy apologizes if you were offended without acknowledging saying anything offensive.  It’s only fair.  Despite what people would have you believe, being offended in and of itself does not make you right.  Nonetheless, I’m sure the Anti-Defamation League will still try to spin this into some kind of donation drive, you know how those Jews are.  Oh crap, did I type that?  Sorry, it’s just that I’ve been drinking like an Indian lately, and now here I am, drunker than an Irish Mick, spouting off like a black guy at a horror movie.  I’ve really gone off the reservation.  Anyway, I’m sorry if you all failed to see humor in deliberate offensiveness, but lighten up, Ayatollah, this isn’t a mosque.  Jeez, look at you, angrier than a guinea on bath day.

Here’s a more thorough transcript of what Von Trier originally said, via Pajiba:

The only thing I can tell you is that I thought I was a Jew for a long time and was very happy being a Jew, then later on came [Danish and Jewish director] Susanne Bier, and suddenly I wasn’t so happy about being a Jew.

“That was a joke. Sorry. But it turned out that I was not a Jew. If I’d been a Jew, then I would be a second-wave Jew, a kind of a new-wave Jew, but anyway, I really wanted to be a Jew and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because my family is German. And that also gave me some pleasure.

“So, I, what can I say? I understand Hitler. I think he did some wrong things but I can see him sitting in his bunker. I’m saying that I think I understand the man. He is not what we could call a good guy, but yeah, I understand much about him and I sympathize with him …

“But come on! I’m not for the Second World War. And I’m not against Jews. No, not even Susanne Bier. I am very much for them. As much as Israelis are a pain in the ass. How do I get out of this sentence? Okay, I am a Nazi. As for the art, I’m for Speer. Albert Speer I liked. He was also one of God’s best children. He has a talent that …

“Okay, enough. …

We Nazis like to do things on a big scale. Maybe I could do ‘The Final Solution.’”