VIDEO: 'Abraham Linkin Park: Vampire Hunter' and it's NOT A JOKE.

When I first heard the title “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” I was vaguely interested. I know it’s not the first genre mash-up in the world, but I thought it was so silly that it could be, might be, just maybe, …fun. Then I saw the first trailer and I was… utterly baffled. A movie called “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” that doesn’t appear to be even a hair tongue-in-cheek? Whaaa? Why?

Well, if you’re anything like me and you were put off by the earnestness with which the film seems to be treating the premise, do NOT watch this new “music trailer” from Linkin Park. If, however, you always wanted to hear a heartfelt gnü-metal ballad about regret that the singer croons with his eyes closed while wearing fingerless poet gloves, set to footage of historical figures pledging love and battling vampires, THEN BOY HAVE I GOT THE VIDEO FOR YOU! That’s right, it’s Abraham Linkin Park: Vampire Singer, and it’s ONE HUNDRED PERCENT DEADLY SERIOUS. …Is this real life?

I know I may have my own issues with overly-earnest genre movies and closed-eye crooning, but MY GOD. I watched approximately 35 seconds of that before I started squirming and itching like a crackhead and had to shut it off. I even made this wreath of garlic to wear around my neck just in case the crushing lack of self-awareness is contagious. Hopefully it works, but if I start trying to draw life lessons from Nickelback lyrics for my next Christian youth group meeting, just drive a stake into my heart.

Make sure you can see his tribal tat in the open casket, bro, he would’ve wanted it that way.