'Lone Ranger' First Look: Johnny Depp Is Wearing A Birdhat

Disney just released the first promo image for its upcoming version of The Lone Ranger (directed by Gore Verbinski, and starring Johnny Depp as Tonto and Armie Hammer as the masked lawman), and after looking at the picture for the past ten minutes, I feel confident in making the following assumptions about the plot of the film:

One of the Winklevoss twins got super pissed after the whole Facebook thing went down in The Social Network and left Harvard for the Wild Wild West. But once he got there, everyone kept recognizing him and saying stuff like “Hey, aren’t you one of those guys who sued Zuckerberg?” and “Hey, did you and your twin brother ever, you know … [makes circle with index finger and thumb, furiously jams other index finger in and out of it] … with the same girl? You did. Shut up. You did,” so he decided to start wearing a mask and a cowboy hat so people wouldn’t recognize him. Then everybody looked at him and was like, “Welp, good enough for me,” and they made him sheriff. Two weeks later, Jack Sparrow showed up with a bird on his head and said “I’m in. P.S. I’m an Indian now,” and they started a partnership that resulted in raucous laughter and mass casualties. Then everyone died of SARS. The end.

Spoiler alert.

Relevant picture after the jump.