Sofia Vergara has boob guns because Robert Rodriguez is mature

Outside of Planet Terror in Grindhouse, which was surprisingly awesome, I’ve always found Robert Rodriguez’s movies just a liiiittle too dumb in a not-clever way for me to enjoy. I think it has a lot to do with his child-like obsession with silly weaponry – the penis gun in Dusk Till Dawn, the guitar guns and bombs and guitar flamethrower in Once Upon a Time in Mexico, the rocket launchers inside the engine manifold in Machete… And these things would be easier to forgive if it didn’t feel like Rodriguez thought he was being super clever. Anyway, the Rodriguez imagination is back in full effect in this new poster for Machete Kills, starring Sofia Vergara firing indiscriminately with boob guns. Because she’s using her sexuality as a weapon, get it? Where are the bullets supposed to come from, anyway? Her vagina? And how does she aim those things? They’re clearly set off in different directions at a 45-degree angle from each other, which seems like it’d be ineffective in a fire fight. Plus, she can’t fire from a covered position, she actually has to put her head and torso in a vulnerable position to return fire, which seems like a major drawback. This is basic military tactics.

More importantly, why cast an actress with world-class breasts if you’re just going to cover them in metal props? Please, sir, let Sofia’s breasts speak for themselves. I can add the “pew-pew” sounds myself.

Those kids are going to get lead poisoning.