Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles are… a bunch of dudes you’ve never heard of

It’s been almost seven months since production shut down on Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles reboot and an unused draft of the script leaked online, and it was only recently that tidal wave of fanboy tears finally began to recede. It seemed they were outraged at every step of the production, from Bay’s description of the turtles as “edgy, lovable aliens” to the name change to the rising costs of dandruff medication (I assume). Now, with the project back on and set for June 2014, it seems producer Bay, Paramount, and director Jonathan Liebesman (Battle: Los Angeles) are trying to lull the fanboys into a state of shrug-induced stupor that will leave them susceptible to easy pocket-picking by casting people no one has heard of.

Last week, I broke that Paramount Pictures had set The Hunger Games: Catching Fire newcomer Alan Ritchsonto play Raphael in the reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Allow me to lift the shell off who’ll be playing the other three turtles. I’m told that Pete Ploszek will play Leonardo, Jeremy Howard will play Donatello and Noel Fisher will play Michaelangelo in the Jonathan Liebesman-directed film. Now, the turtles in the original movies were kind of interchangeable, stuffed into those cheesy costumes, but this is supposed to be a more sophisticated Avatar-like approach. [Deadline]

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around “sophisticated Avatar-like approach.” Does that mean the turtles will be CGI dudes that sort of look like the actors voicing them? Will it be motion-capture? Will Andy Serkis stay floundering on his back until someone flips him over in preparation for the role? Dudes, I don’t know. But here are your turtles:

Peter Ploszek – Leonardo: This guy’s so unknown I can’t even find him on IMDB. Deadline says: “Ploszek came out of the USC Masters program and has done guest appearances on Parks And Recreation and Shameless, and he’s repped by Gersh and Principal LA.” He has nicely parted hair.

Alan Ritchson – Raphael: AKA that guy from Blue Mountain State who looks like a football player but is kind of shrill and obnoxious like a theater kid. See also:  Well hello, ladies (picture NSFW-ish).

Jeremy Howard – Donatello: Deadline, who broke the story, don’t even know who this guy is. Maybe it’s this guy? Eh, probably not.

Noel Fisher – Michaelangelo: This guy. Veteran of Twilight, Shameless, and the Hatfields & the McCoys.

I hope Jeremy Howard turns out to be a black guy because otherwise these turtles look like Hitler Youth.