The main question Money Monster raises is whether it’s just a bad movie or bad for society. That it’s a bad movie isn’t really in question, and honestly, you probably knew that from the trailer. It’s all furrowed brows and panicked gasps, looking so hard boiled that it’s flavorless and mushy, like bad Irish food.
George Clooney stars as “Lee Gates,” leading infotainment pundit for “FNN,” and a clear stand-in for CNBC’s Jim Cramer. He opens his shows dancing obnoxiously to hip-hop, and when he recommends a down stock, he puts on a boxer’s robe and gloves (it’s going to “fight back,” you see). He manages to be simultaneously less believable than his real-life counterpart and not substantively more ridiculous. Though he is more obnoxious, which is a feat, considering the real Jim Cramer hurts my ears on mute. Gates is also a slick, rich, workaholic womanizer with an estranged daughter, looking for that proverbial shot at redemption. Julia Roberts plays his long-suffering producer who proverbially knows him better than he knows himself, proverbially. Will they f*ck? (Tune in next week, on The Newsroom!)
When a junior producer comes to Gates with a hot stock tip on a pharma company (everything is abbrev’d in Money Monster, from quants to algos) that’s developing an erectile cream, Gates makes him test it on himself, in the bathroom. It works so well he that he gets a big boner, and later uses it on a lady. A lot of Money Monster is “clever” in a similarly unclever way, like an Eastern Bloc knock-off Christopher Buckley.
Torn-from-the-headlines meets torn-from-a-Robert-McKee-seminar when Gates starts recommending stock in IBIS, who, we’re told, specialize in “high-frequency trading.” If you’ve read Flash Boys, you know that this is a method of trading that involves creating computer programs that buy and sell stocks many times per second. Money Monster is sort of like a Flash Boys adaptation Oliver Stone directed without reading the book first, a clumsy attempt at applying Baby Boomer satire to 21st Century problems. Is there a slick montage of computer code flying at the screen? Maybe a long zoom of some abstract grids to represent the internet? You bet there is! Everything is connected… and your kids could be doing it!
Pretty soon disgruntled delivery driver Kyle Budwell — who I’d like to think was named “Tyler Budweiser, American Millennial” in the rough draft — shows up to hijack the program and get some answers, dammit! This Budwell character is a complete mess. Like all of Money Monster‘s blue collar characters, we know he’s blue collar right away from his Joanie Pepperoni, eh oh, I’m just bustin’ bawls ova heah accent. Uncharacteristically, this I’m walkin’ heah knockaround guy is angry on account of he lost $60,000 on IBIS stock.
Maddone, I just lost my friggin bawls on dis stock cuzza dis mamaluke. Now I can barely affoad gabba gool for my goomah!