‘Monumental’: Kirk Cameron dreams of a more Reagan-y ‘Murica

Kirk Cameron is worried about where this country’s headed. Not only is our president a part-negroid socialist who burns bibles to keep pagan babies warm, hardly anyone came to Kirk’s birthday party (except Belinda- GO OUTSIDE BELINDA! Sandwiches aren’t for sinners! I heard you humming that Dixie Chicks song!). That’s why Kirk is on a journey through history to find out what made America great once. Specifically, he tours the alternate history version of the 80s as envisioned by Ronald Reagan fan-fiction, and the part of the Founding Father story that doesn’t mention that almost none of them were Christians. This journey is chronicled in Kirk’s new documentary, Monumental, the trailer for which you can watch below.

But who am I kidding? The real draw is Kirk Cameron and his incredible reaction shots. No one wordlessly conveys humility before Christ like Kirk Cameron. He should become the Andy Serkis of Christian movies, where WETA uses Kirk Cameron covered in performance-capture censors to imbue each performer with the spirit of Jesus. It’s just too bad those black tights are a sin. Not to mention pre-marital mo-cap.

“I went on a journey to retrace the journey of our forefathers, to see if they left us some kind of a map that would guide us back to the foundation of America’s success.”

Try 1945 Europe, when it was all bombed and burnt to shit and America was the lone remaining manufacturing power. Or to Teddy Roosevelt. He rode a moose once and it was totally badass.

“What I discovered is that our history has not just been forgotten, it’s been re-written.”

For instance, did you know that Ronald Reagan was an actor? Really, it’s true! He used to be in monkey movies, like Joey from Friends. There was this one, Bedtime for Bonzo. Apparently it was about a chimp who wouldn’t go to sleep. They couldn’t get him to go to sleep, so they called Ronald Reagan. And Ronald Reagan came and told the chimp, “Look, chimp, we both know that you are not my grandfather. But if we put aside our differences, together we can defeat communism. Those goddamned atheists will have to pry this banana from my cold, dead, intelligently-designed hand.”

[premieres one-night only, March 27th, bring your gun and bible — via Movieline]