This Week In Movie Posters: Teenage Mutant Ninja Nice Guys

This week in this week in posters, we begin with Amateur Night, starring Jason Biggs and his wife, Jenny Mollen. “Amateur Night,” huh? Must about the guy who designed this poster, am I right! Hey drive safe out there no it’s okay I was already leaving.

I want to say I’ve seen other posters with the subject being stepped on, but I can’t think of them off of the top of my head, so I’ll simply say that Jason Biggs has a very good “here we go again!” face. He’s almost a cartoon character.

Jason Biggs is Guy Carter, an insecure expectant father who, unable to find work in his field, accepts a job driving hookers around Los Angeles. [IMDb]

Hookers! Well that’s unconventional. I bet every time a hooker gets in with another whacky job, Jason Biggs is like “Well, here we go again!”

Amsel. So hot right now, Amsel.

This guy looks like one of those awesome old glamour photos from the ’70s and ’80s you see on Tumblr. I am not familiar with this person, but now I want to be, so well done there. They also squeezed in one of those diagonal lines poster designers love, but without tilting the whole thing obnoxiously sideways.

Maybe don’t put the URL in it though? That seems a little desperate, and low class, like my ideal mate. If people can’t find it by Googling “amsel movie” it’s the SEO guy’s fault, not the poster’s.

Sheesh, that’s the longest pull-quote I’ve ever seen. They could’ve just gone with “that horse had moxie” if you ask me, but this works fine too. Everyone loves a small Welsh underdog. Hey, you know who else is a small Welsh underdog? Corgis.

Whooaoooaa, they got faces on their necks! NECKFACE, WHERE FACES BECOME NECKS!

I’m not entirely sure what’s happening here. Are they supposed to be tearing in half and sprouting multiple faces from the buds? I think that’s what’s happening, and I can’t stop staring at it. Wonderful. That’ll do, neckface.

“We wrote this script for Wes Anderson but he turned it down.”

I saw The Hunt For the Wilderpeople and it was awesome. This poster is… okay, I guess. I mean, the movie has Sam Neill. How do you not put Sam Neill in the poster! Sam Neill is the Tom Hanks of New Zealand.

Well well well, speak of the devil and Tom Hanks shows up. “Every clue will take him deeper.” Jesus, hasn’t he been deep enough already? What is this, the fifth one of these movies? That’s what it feels like. What kind of contract did they trick him into? With Nic Cage becoming Liam Neeson, does that mean Tom Hanks has to become Nic Cage? Don’t do it, Tom! Haven’t you seen what happened to Nic Cage? The government seizes your dinosaur skulls and you end up having to fight Vince Neil on the Vegas strip for spare change!

Right, right, we’re supposed to talk about the poster. Decent design, if I pretend I don’t know what the movie is about, I suppose. GRR, OUROBOROS STAIRS!

Just the beginning? Sheesh. I guess the infinity loop theme is fitting.

I get it, they’re like Russian nesting doll proteges? And that monkey is going to try to become that girl (boy?)? Who is trying to become that… uh… robot centurion? Hell, I don’t know, but the animation looks cool. That’s enough for me.

I bet this is going to be a real kick in the pants. A firecracker. Like kicking a pair of pants full of firecrackers. People will be waving their monogrammed pocket squares at the screen begging for an encore, I bet. “How droll! I chortled so heartily I nearly expectorated my consomme!”

One of the problems with landscape-style posters is that they don’t really work great on computer screens. Here’s the biggest version of this I can find. Really, I’m just looking forward to the separate character posters, so I can get a better look at whatever True Grit bear-man character Vincent D’Onofrio is playing in this. He’s really been wasting his talents on that network procedural about violent rape crime. Could this be his return to form? I hope so, I love Vincent D’Onofrio playing a weirdo. Even if “Justice has a number” is one of the shittiest taglines of all time.

Michel Gondry and Audrey Tatou?! Damn, we ’bout to party like it’s 2005. Anyway, elaborate slapstick, deadpan humor, scantily clad lady there for some reason… yes, this definitely looks French. I eagerly await whatever absurdist combination of things this is.

Nicholas Winding Refn curated a massive collection of vintage movie posters for a book last year, and while you can never know how much input a director has into the poster for his movie, it looks as if he had some in this one. Anyway, I can’t tell exactly what this is about, but it looks well-composed and beautiful and probably sort of violent and porn-y, which more or less describes every Nicholas Winding Refn movie ever made.

I like this version even better, and not just because of the additional cleavage. The glitter also helps. Look, no one said making posters is difficult.

Here’s the first of a series of character posters for Shane Black’s The Nice Guys, my most anticipated movie of the summer. I’m not a huge fan of the text describing the character’s attitude for the entire movie, but that funky orange background and 70s wardrobe makes everything look cool.

My question here: is Kim Basinger making a vagina with her hands? A yonic symbol, if you will? With her legs spread it’s kind of hard not to interpret it that way.

What the hell is going on with that gun? The grip looks like it’s tilted towards me but the rest of it looks flat horizontal. Is it a broken gun? I’m hoping this will be a plot point in the movie.

My goodness. As I’ve said before, between Margaret Qualley, Justin Theroux, and Carrie Coon in The Leftovers, I’m not sure which one I’d rather have sex with. The plot of that show, in case you haven’t seen it, is “What if there was an apocalyptic event, and your whole family was ridiculously good looking?”

All the men in this are dressed like it’s 40 degrees out, all the girls like it’s 70. Am I the only one who notices this? What is the climate there? Anyway, I always love a good vaguely homoerotic villain.

A ribbed turtleneck, with a shirt over that, followed by a leather jacket. Where is this set, Siberia? Don’t male actors sweat? If I wore that outfit for more than five minutes it would be ruined. Which would be a bummer, because that’s an awesome shirt.

And once again, the lady is dressed like it’s a sunny summer day. Also, I hope Yaya DeCosta eventually hooks up with Booboo Stewart, so that they can collectively become “Yayabooboo.”

So is Alison Brie playing Dick Tracy in this or April O’Neil? She also seems to be staring at Colin Hanks’ name. I don’t blame her, she wants to be prepared. Last thing you want is for that lurky goon to sneak up behind you. “Wait, do you hear something? It sounds like… like… mouth breathing– OH GOD IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE.”

“Hi, guys.” (*sound of Colin Hanks sucking saliva through his teeth*)

This is a great poster. If I saw this artist in a bar I’d buy him a drink. He knows the first rule of art, which is that if you have to draw a Colonel Sanders-lookin’ dude giving the Nazi salute atop a giant billy goat, you don’t skimp on the goat balls. Get some detail on those goat balls, son! It’s true, billy goats are like 20% testicle.

Whoa, Werner Herzog made another movie with Michael Shannon? This is going to be amazing. As for the poster, I like to look into Gael Garcia Bernal’s eyes and imagine this is what he’s staring at:

“Two women, 1,000 miles. And a whole lot of baggage.”

I think if you’re going to really sell the baggage-baggage double meaning, you have to at least show what kind of a thing they’re traveling in, no? They don’t look like they’re traveling, they look like they’re calling each other during a commercial break.

Swiss Army Man is a movie about a farting corpse, so I guess it’s kind of fitting that the poster is also weird, and Daniel Radcliffe looks like some kind of addled dolphin. Also, why not just put “Daniel Radcliffe plays a farting corpse” on the poster? That’d be a lot more intriguing than the fact that it was apparently directed by a guy with one name. (“Daniels” actually refers to two separate guys named Daniel.) That could be cool. Kind of like how both of They Might Be Giants dudes are named John.

This poster looks like they’re being shot out of a cannon. Also, does Paul Dano look weirdly like Rupert Grint here or is it just me?

Can turtles also jump high? Is that a thing? Anyway, the Michael Bay-produced Ninja Turtles movie probably didn’t need a sequel, but at least they seem to have improved the character design since the last one. Like, a lot.

Michaelangelo riding a rocket-powered skateboard on springs? Now you’re speaking my language.

Oh man, just when I was complimenting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on their design they throw this godawful sideways Tetris nightmare at us. How do you make an all-CG image look like a guy standing in front of a green screen? Also, are his eyes blue? What the f*ck.

The idea that Raphael is skydiving sounds great, but this poster seems to suggest otherwise.

Looks like they put a lot of thought into how to make sure people knew Donatello was the smart one.

“Mr. Bay, how should we make this one look smart?”

“Well, what do smart people look like, stupid? The answer is nerds. Smart people are nerds. Sexless, with smaller muscles than normal, and the devices correcting for their poor nerd genes held together with tape. I mean obviously. By the way, you’re fired.”

It’s funny, because minus the glasses, Donatello kind of looks like Michael Bay.

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It looks pretty sunny out for them to be all wet. You think that’s a turtle thing? Like, they have to stay moist? That should be a plot point.

Nice poster for Tickled here. This one sounds delightfully bizarre.

Journalist David Farrier stumbles upon a mysterious tickling competition online. As he delves deeper he comes up against fierce resistance, but that doesnt stop him getting to the bottom of a story stranger than fiction. [IMDb]

Clearly, no one wants to spoil what this movie is really about, or it’s too complicated to adequately explain. Either way, I’m in.

I’m usually not a fan of the “floating heads inside a silhouette” style posters (though the braid is an interesting twist), but a smoking Pierce Brosnan lit up like a musical theater villain makes up for a lot of things. “Every high has its price.”

Wait, Pierce Brosnan is playing a flamboyant drug lord? This gets better and better.

I can’t tell if this is animated. Also, that dragon looks like Groucho Marx.

A few things:

1. I enjoy that Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs seem to be the focal point.

2. Is Professor X’s crotch glowing? Or are Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs backlit? Either way, great.

3. No one sells “mind bullets” like Michael F. Assbender.