08.13.09 9 years ago 259 Comments

They won’t… stop responding….

Well, folks, the van people from yesterday are back, and this time it looks like we’ve got the male to deal with.  First the wife threatens me with a defremation of charachter suit, and now the husband’s claiming defermation of character!  (And FYI, I’m not 100% convinced this isn’t a hoax either, but if it is, the hoaxer did their homework really really well.)  Here’s what “Rooster” aka Story had to say.

Story says: So smartass. You say you made a few jokes about rape and molestation. What world do you come from where that is funny. Do you have a sister, wife,kids. Would it be funny if it happened to them Dont think so, so first, its not a joke. 2nd assuming my van is that type of van and that I am is outrageously sick in your mind. We customize our vans and use themes that we like. Theres a Star Wars van, A Pirates of the Carribean van, a Scooby Doo Van, etc. So WTF, we’re all molestors? That mural cost $10,000 and this is my hobby. I built it and had it painted, and has won more show trophys than I care to count.Its not a molestor van. Would it be that obvious. I’m the secreatary of The New England Van Council, and we promote vannin. So to attack 1 your attacking us all. This site was found by a friend searching for vans. Hello it popped up. So anyway, enough with you guy who have nothing better to do than to bash people, posting that I’m a molestor and rapist and youd eat your hat if I wasn’t, get ready to eat it, cause I’m looking into a defermation of character suit. This is our life. If you like the van or not, you have no right to attack my reputation and all of you joking about rape and molestors. My opinion, they all should be shot by the families of the victims. What if my van was seen by one of these victims and they read your opinion about it. My life and van could be in jepordy. Those 2 subjects are no joking matter.
Owner of the van

To respond: First of all, Story, as I thought I took great pains to illustrate all along, I don’t think all vanners are child molestors (though let’s be honest, a couple of you probably are, just by law of averages).  Nonetheless, as I’ve said all along, I have no evidence of that, and according to a recent study by the National Academy of Science & Maths, Vannin enthusiasts exhibited rates of molestation comparable or lower to that of devotees of truckin, noodlin, and wrasslin.  And to answer your question (at least, I assume it was a question, it’s a little hard to tell, seeing as you tend to eschew question marks — a bold stylistic move, I might add): I do like the van. I can only imagine all the hot tail I’d pull in that van, but alas, all I have is this bus pass and lifelike vagina replica made of rubber.  See these?  :-( :-( :-(  These are the frownies of envy.

No sarcasm, I swear.  But in regards to your possible defermation of character suit, I consulted my attorney, Chadwick H. Farthouse, esq., of the firm Twatsworth, Farthouse & Balsmyer, and he advised me that my speech is protected from all such accusations, be it defremation of character, defenestration of coriander, deception of colander, or deprecation of costumature.  I never attacked, nor meant to attack your reputation, and as far as I was concerned, your only reputation was for having an awesome van.  I agree with you that child molesters and rapists should be treated harshly, and as for the victims, if they saw your van and had read my opinion on it, well, I would advise them to DRINK IT IN. After all, what better way to recapture that TWINKLE, that childlike sense of WONDER that can so often be RAPED or MOLESTED away, than to gaze upon the MAJESTY that is a lovingly rendered van mural of The Neverending Story?  Nay.  Breathe easy, good sir, for we are in agreement.  A world where non-molesters could help molestees recapture their lost innocence through shared appreciation of movie-related van murals would truly be, as your license plate so succinctly puts it, “Heavan.”


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