New Spider-Man Trailer: Spider-Man as an A-holey New Yorker

Sony just released a new trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man, the movie they supposedly hate. They kept calling this “the untold story,” which seemed like a ballsy movie considering this is essentially the same origin story from the Sam Raimi/Spider-Man. But there are a couple of changes, probably the biggest of which being that this time around, it’s not the spider bite itself that gives Peter Parker superpowers, but rather the bite simply activates something that was already in his genetic code – he’s kind of a designer superhero now, a la Wolverine. And now he has to figure out what happened to his parents and who he really is. Which is great, because I always wished Spider-Man could be more like Abduction. (*shoots fart noises from web slingers*)

The other big change I noticed was that Andrew Garfield (Scarfield, as we like to call him), who’s British, seems to have achieved this accent by studying Shia Labeouf’s portrayal of Sam Witwicky in Transformers. Finally, that abrasive, sarcastic, belittling, New York A-hole superhero we’ve all been waiting for. “Eh oh, loogit this queer, he thinks I ain’ gonna shoot my webs on im ova heah. Hickory dickory dock, which one a dese crooks is gonna suck spidah man’s cock?”

Yeah, that was Andrew Dice Spider-Man. I regret nothing. Opens July 3rd.