Senior Editor
09.02.09 23 Comments

Hey, remember I Hate Valentine’s Day? How could you forget, it opened on three screens.  Here’s the trailer and my original description:

Nia Vardalos is back, writing, directing, and starring in the new romantic comedy I Hate Valentines Day, which promises to be the Citizen Kane of Kate Hudson turd ripoffs.  Vardalos plays a strong, sassy know-it-all New Yorker who doesn’t believe in love and sucks at acting.  The voice of TGI Friday’s plays Joe Regular, the average schlubnik trying in vain to win her heart by being adorably boring.   But after a few dates (*RECORD SCRATCH*) could it be SHE who’s falling for HE??  I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than find out!

Sounds great, right?  Sadly, as GordonandtheWhale discovered, it seems poor Nia has yet again become the victim of a vast sexist conspiracy.  Damn you, patriarchal society!  You just can’t stand to see a terrible actress succeed!

I Hate Valentine’s Day got pulled after one week and had a total domestic gross of $11,000, on a three million dollar budget.  Luckily it made slightly over a million in foreign markets, thanks largely to Brazil, who presumably thought they were going to see the bikini wax edition of Dirty Jobs (because she’s Greek, get it?  Nevermind).  Meanwhile, her other crime against humanity, My Life in Ruins, pulled down $8 million on a $17 million budget, which if my math is correct, sucks major donkey sh’t.  So this means we won’t be subjected to any more of her movies any time soon, right?  Wrong.  Tom Hanks’ production company produced My Big Fat Greek Wedding and they keep hiring her.  Dammit Tom, if it’s charity work you’re after, the Slumdog kids could use a pool.

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