‘Nymphomaniac’ Will Stream Straight Into Your Box In March, Penetrate Theaters Shortly Thereafter

We’ve been waiting patiently for a US release date announcement for Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac, but much like Sting, it seems like it took forever to come. Stateside, the two-part, Dongs Going In epic will hit theaters on March 21, 2014 and April 18, 2014, respectively, but you’ll be able to stream Shia LaBeef straight to your box before that, on March 6th and April 3rd. Good Lord, I’m turning into Mr. Skin.

NYMPHOMANIAC: PART ONE is the story of Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg), a self-diagnosed nymphomaniac who is discovered badly beaten in an alley by an older bachelor, Seligman (Stellan Skarsgård), who takes her into his home. As he tends to her wounds, she recounts the erotic story of her adolescence and young-adulthood (portrayed in flashback by Stacy Martin). PART ONE also stars Shia LaBeouf, Christian Slater, Uma Thurman, Sophie Kennedy Clark, Connie Nielsen and Udo Kier.

PART TWO picks up with the story of Joe’s adulthood, and stars Jamie Bell, Willem Dafoe, Mia Goth and Jean-Marc Barr in addition to Gainsbourg, Skarsgård, Martin and LaBeouf.

Magnolia used the same release strategy on Melancholia, and I guess that worked out okay. Even though I still haven’t seen that. I just hope this means we’ll be getting the version of Nymphomaniac with the hard stuff, and not with whatever concessions they’d have to make for American theaters to show it. I want to see this thing uncut, like a European’s dong.

As widely reported, the films contain graphic depictions of sexuality to a degree unprecedented in a mainstream feature film. After von Trier’s experience at the 2011 Cannes Film Festival, where he was harshly criticized for comments he made at the MELANCHOLIA press conference, he has vowed to cease doing press on behalf of his films and let them speak for themselves. Both films will have their international debut in Denmark, where they’re opening this Christmas Day. [press release via ThePlaylist]

You may remember at Cannes, when the press stood around hoping for Lars Von Trier to say something outrageous, then freaked out when he said “I understand Hitler?” It’s a real shame he’s not doing anymore press. I’ll miss “Lars Von Trier, Nazi Stand-Up Comic.”

“Hallo, hallo, how ah you all doing tonaight? Do ve haff any Juden, homosexualz, mulattos, mongoloids or uzza inferior schpecimenz heah tonight? UFF COURSE NOT! Hahahaha! …I kid viss you all, you haff a vunderbar gene pool heah tonight, seriously. Hallo? Hallo? …Keerschten, I don’t sink ziss mic ist vorking.”

[gif via FourFour]