Jerry Bruckheimer movies are kind of like the father who took off when you were a kid, and then when you were like 16, he finally decided he wanted back in your life, so he tries to bribe you with presents. Only it’s clear he knows nothing about you, because all the gifts he brings you are just some stuff that he read in the newspaper was popular with teenagers. Hey, how ya doin’, kid? Ya like parkour? I hear a lot of the kids are into that nowadays. What about super slow motion like Watchmen, and bullet close-ups like in Wanted? My cousin Gina’s kid Terrance, he’s about your age, he can’t get enough of that stuff. So whaddya say, kid? C’mon, come give your old dad a hug.
LEAVE ME ALONE, JERRY! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER! EVERYTHING WAS FINE BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP!