OVERRATED/UNDERRATED (BASED ON MERIT VERSION)
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes opens today, and on top of all the overwhelmingly positive reviews (it’s currently at 91 percent on rotten tomatoes), people everywhere are losing their minds about Andy Serkis’ performance as Caesar, with the New York Daily News being just one of many outlets saying he deserves an Academy Award nomination as Best Actor. This happened last time he played Caesar too, and before that when he played Gollumn (but not when he played King Kong because is that Jack Black why the hell is he in this).
But he doesn’t deserve an Oscar. Or maybe he does, I have no idea. I mean his Gollum voice was good. I assume. It’s not like I have some frame of reference for what Gollums are supposed to sound like. His version could be some racist caricature for all I know.
And as far as Planet of the Apes, is he really that much better than the other people playing monkeys? From what I’ve seen they look great too. And how much is pure CGI? Because it seems like if capturing the motion was really so important they would just put the suit on an actual monkey and then shoot a flare at it. By all accounts the characters looks incredibly real, and that’s terrific, great job gang, but honestly where does Hollywood think I live? Because they are really overestimating how much I know about monkeys, and how often I’m attacked by them even more so. I have no idea where they got their information but whatever number they have, the truth is like 1 percent of that. I’m not Dian Fossey, I’m just taking your word for it Hollywood, if you say this is what a super-monkey looks like when it rides a horse, I’m really in no position to argue.
So no, even though Andy Serkis is a very good actor on his own right, he does not deserve a Best Actor nomination for this because I’m not gonna watch 35 hours of behind the scenes footage just to figure out if he’s even doing anything.
This one is easy, we don’t even have to leave Planet of the Apes, because Keri Russell is a terrific actress. Hopefully this movie helps her get more parts, she’s good in everything. And I say that even though she’s flat chested and I don’t like girls who are, you know, “that way.” Luckily for her that’s not how I judge an actress, I’m able to overlook her physical deformities and appreciate her talent. I’m an amazing man!
OVERRATED/UNDERRATED (MAY OR MAY NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH VERSION)
2014 Playmate of the Year Kennedy Summers
Oh hey speaking of using super-computers to dramatically alter someones appearance, Kennedy Summers looks, um… let’s go with “different” than she does in Playboy (NSFW). First of all her mouth is enormous, and I don’t like that. My penis is about normal I guess, which means in her mouth it could clang around the sides like one of those metal triangles they use in movies to tell cowboys when dinner is ready.
Also, “Kennedy Summers” is an incredibly lazy fake Playmate name. She might as well have called herself “Shae Mate”.
2012 Cybergirl of the Year Leanna Decker
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Even though everyone agrees that Leanna Decker is physically perfect, she’s still underrated considering Playboy never even made her a Playmate. God forbid they skip one of the 8 giant toothy blondes that bore me every year. Leanna on the other hand is an ideal 5’4″, with 34DD’s, and red hair, and do you know what’s better than a short girl with huge t*ts and red hair?
Nothing, literally nothing on earth.
That’s why you didn’t say anything when I asked, you just kept reading, because there’s no answer. Oh I can activate your webcam and microphone when you’re on here by the way. That’s how I knew. You consent to it when you register I guess, I’m sure it’s mentioned in there somewhere. Take it up with Vince if you have a problem with it.
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(if you want you can follow me on twitter. or don’t, whatever, it’s your life)