FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Brought To You By Vince Vaughn’s Wig

Welcome back to This Week In Posters, the only Internet post combining all of the past week’s movie posters. The Gods of WordPress have decreed reverse alphabetical order this week, and thus, we start with The Witch, which I saw almost a year ago. I don’t remember there being an evil rabbit in it (just an evil goat), but I still love the poster format. Hey, someone should redo this with Nancy Grace. Wait, no, I can do that:

Nancy-Grace-Witch
Getty/IMPA

There we go.

Nothing says “torn from the headlines” like putting the poster subjects in front of a backdrop of actual headlines. Luckily, that picture of Dee Snider is unforgettable (someone make me stop seeing it every time I close my eyes!), so much that the rest of the poster almost doesn’t matter.

And that font. All the coolest bands had their own font. Aw, man, remember hot pink?

What the hell is she doing with her neck? And why is he sitting like that? He looks like he’s drunk, or in the midst of some gravitational anomaly and has to hold onto the bench to keep from flying off into space. Maybe this about two people with inner ear problems finding love? That’s so sweet.

Here we see Trapped going with simple imagery. I like it, it kind of makes the poster a guessing game. Not peeking at IMDb, my guess is that it’s about the government trying to regulate my vagina.

Survey says…

U.S. abortion clinics are fighting to survive. Since 2010, hundreds of bills have been enacted targeting abortion rights on a statewide level. Trapped follows the clinic workers, women, and lawyers on the front lines of the battle to keep abortion safe and legal for the millions of poor and uninsured women caught in a political quagmire. [IMDb]

Looks I just won a buck. From myself! BOOSH.

Oh lordy lordy lordy. Now we know the answer to “What do you get when you combine Vince Vaughn, a bad wig, and a whole bunch of stuff that’s diagonal for no apparent reason.” At least, I assume it’s a wig. Like Vince Vaughn, I too was born with the curse of the Brillo head, and I can’t imagine getting my natural hair to look like a latter-day Anthony Kiedis wig except through sorcery. (And I’d do it too, I’d pay the witch doctress whatever she asked. Curly hair is the worst. Have you ever noticed how much people hate poodles?)

If you changed the background city in this to somewhere in Eastern Europe, and swapped Vince Vaughn with Steven Seagal, this would make a perfect Seagal movie poster. Also, that’s a sweet eagle scarf. I want to pair that with my scorpion jacket from Drive.

I call this poster… Highway to L. (I apologize for this).

Pretty cool poster though. I could use a hint about what this “monster” is, but I guess that’s not Cloverfield‘s style. By the way, does anyone else think it’s weird that when J.J. Abrams produces a movie it doesn’t say “from the producer of Star Wars, Star Trek, Lost, and Mission Impossible!” on it? Can you imagine what a J.J. Abrams movie marketing would look like if he had half of Shyamalan’s ego?

Here’s the latest from Suicide Squad, a new tattoo-style poster with icons for each character. Interesting to note that there are seven characters represented, but only five actors’ names worth including. I’m not looking up the other two. Is one of them Kellen Lutz? I bet one of them is Kellen Lutz.

Is this coming out soon? It seems like Jared Leto has been Method acting for like five years now.

“Ay, oh, has yous guys seen dis? Has yous hoid about dis? Take my goomah – please!”

Seriously, though, a stand-up comedian in the witness protection program, and it stars Ethan Suplee? I can’t wait for this.

Ugh, a Neighbors sequel? There was barely enough material for three quarters of the first movie, let alone a sequel. And damn them for tantalizing me with sexy discarded underwear. That’s cheating. I can’t look at it without thinking, You know what this means, don’t you?? It means there’s a lady running around somewhere with no underwear! We have to find her!

How dare they abuse such a beautiful mental image of a pantsless lady for nefarious purposes.

This is a great festival movie poster. I don’t really know what the movie’s about, I just know that someone has big problems and it’s probably going to be unpleasant to watch. Everything I look for in a festival movie.

“This secret agent is the total package!”

Get it? They’re just daring us to stare at Sacha Baron Cohen’s junk. Pff, like I needed an invitation. I wonder if he stuffed. I would’ve. By the way, is Penelope Cruz in every comedy this year?

I loved Green Room when I saw it at Toronto last year, and ominous Patrick Stewart is the best Patrick Stewart. That being said, that title font looks like something a goth 13-year-old would use for her Trapper Keeper. Yes, girls type things on their Trapper Keepers in this reality I’ve created, I’m sticking to it.

Eyepatch Lannister and Gerard Butler star in “Not Stargate.”

Damn, I wish cleavage ladies would show up to my black glove parties. Anyway, this looks like a B-movie VHS from the ’80s, but I’m just happy Paul Verhoeven is still working.

I’m a little surprised Isabelle Huppert gets her name above the title. I guess that’s for all the rabid Huppertaniacs out there.

Eisenstein in Guanajuato, Mozart in the Jungle – there’s almost enough material for a “FAMOUS PERSON in PLACE” parody. Stalin in St. Louis! Confucius in Sherman Oaks! Melissa McCarthy in Montevideo!

In 1931, at the height of his artistic powers, Soviet filmmaker Sergei Eisenstein travels to Mexico to shoot a new film to be titled Que Viva Mexico… [IMDb]

Well, at least this one is actually about Eisenstein in Guanajuato. I tried to watch Mozart in the Jungle the other day and it turned out to be about a bunch of dorks in modern day New York. Talk about false advertising. Honestly, when there’s a show about the backstage doings of a philharmonic, maybe that’s the point at which we say that there are entirely too many TV shows.

Dirty Papy” sounds so much sillier than “Dirty Grandpa.” Also, Robert De Niro is clean, so isn’t this poster more like “Dirty Petit Fils?”

Anyway, it’s pretty cool that Zac Efron can fall asleep face down in the surf and still wake up with his hair looking cooler than mine ever will.

Yep, Deadpool is still making like his gun is a penis. And now there’s also a “load” pun too. Is this going to be rated R? Kind of an odd choice for a superhero movie, no? We don’t need little kids running around wondering when they can get an ejaculation full of Deadpool.

Holy hell, Bill Bellamy! And look at that face. Yup, he’s still got it. He did almost that same face in Any Given Sunday, and that’s when you knew Willie Beamen had really let success go to his head. According to IMDb, his character in this is named “Terry Twist.”

Father, author and all around good guy, Matthew Taylor is on a whirlwind tour promoting his new book, The Bounce Back. He’s got it all figured out until he meets the acerbic Kristin Peralta, a talk show circuit therapist who’s convinced he’s nothing but a charlatan. Matthew’s life is turned upside down when he inadvertently falls for Kristin and has to face painful truth of his past relationship. [IMDb]

Dang, with the book featuring prominently in the poster, I was actually wondering if this was going to be like Think Like a Man, where a group of women figure out how to handle their boyfriends by reading Steve Harvey’s book. Does anyone remember that? It’s amazing that the public let Steve Harvey get away with making two movies based on his sh*tty, “Women Be Shoppin'” books and only turned on him when he screwed up a beauty pageant. Nothing sticks to him. Maybe that’s why he’s so shiny.

You know it’s a horror movie when there’s an image getting poor reception. Run! Your house is haunted! Or maybe your child is possessed! Probably one of the two!

I don’t like to include that many foreign posters in this feature, but good Lord, who Photoshopped Christian Bale’s torso? It looks like it’s about to spin all the way around while his face and crotch remain facing forward. “Chaos reigns.”

This fall… everything… goes… diagonal! Seriously, though, this has to be the laziest poster design of the week. They couldn’t have tried to represent a benefactor graphically? This is the kind of lazy side-by-side I’d come up with if I was under deadline and just didn’t give a sh*t anymore. Maybe they were paying the graphic designer by 15-minute increments? That’s the only thing I can think of.

Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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