Question: Is Shia Labeouf’s agent a wizard?

For a long time, I had nothing against Shia Labeouf. He bore the brunt of a predictable backlash for being an overexposed actor in a series of underwhelming films, but that wasn’t really his fault, you don’t have that much control over that stuff when you’re a young actor. At times we respected his honesty. But the more we see of him lately, the more he comes off as this fast-talking, cliché-spouting existential buffoon. One thing I’ve never thought is, “hey, you know who’d be great in this movie? Shia LaBeouf.”

Which brings us to: How do you explain the fact that he’s now worked with Spielberg, Oliver Stone, Lars von Trier, Michael Bay, and others, yesterday signed on for a film opposite Robert DeNiro, and today joined a WWII movie starring Brad Pitt? Someone find this kid’s agent, because that guy deserves all of the cocaines.

With Brad Pitt attached and Sony on board to distribute, WWII-set “Fury” has begun building its ensemble cast with Shia LaBeouf in talks to co-star. David Ayer (End of Watch) is directing the pic from his own script. The story follows the commander of a Sherman tank and its five-man crew on a mission behind enemy lines in April 1945 as Nazi Germany collapses. LaBeouf would play a member of the crew. Lensing is set to begin in September with a Nov. 14, 2014. [Variety]

That seems like a pretty cherry role in a year that’s seen him plagiarize an apology from an Esquire article and get laughed at on Letterman. There’s only one explanation for this. SORCERY!

ZIM SQUIM, KABALLAH QUAZAR! THE CHILD LABEOUF SHALL BE FILM’S NEXT STAR! (*throws handfuls of glitter, rides drunkenly off on broomstick*)

Perhaps the wizard can be summoned not just by Tarantino, but by anyone who does enough cocaine.