R. Kelly blames his divorce on The Notebook

R. Kelly recently released a memoir (which was previously-shelved) called “Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me,” and… sorry, let me give you a few seconds while that sinks in. Mother of God, just look at that cover. The subtitles and microphones scream “I’m a grandiose, narcissistic sociopath!”, while the title says he’s not above a ridiculous pun. Classic R. Kelly. Now then, moving onto the story at hand, it seems that in this memoir, R. Kelly says he only realized he wanted a divorce from his former back-up dancer wife after watching the 2004 Ryan Gosling/Rachel McAdams weepie The Notebook.

After too many fights to count — including one in which Mrs. Kelly chucked her $50,000 wedding ring into a pond in the couple’s backyard — Kelly had an epiphany after watching the 2004 Gosling weeper “The Notebook.”

The adaptation of the Nicholas Sparks novel about a young 1940’s couple who fall madly in love, only to be torn apart by her disapproving parents. Despite her engagement to another man, their true love prevails and, well, we don’t want to spoil it, but let’s say tears will be shed.

“As the film credits started to roll, I couldn’t move. I burst into tears. People walking past me patted me on the back, trying to console me. ‘The Notebook’ was beautiful, and I was crying because its hero and heroine had died together. But I was also crying because I remembered a Valentine’s Day — when a helicopter dropped a rainfall of roses — that had come and gone … My marriage had died. And there was nothing I could do to bring it back.” [MTV]

I gather that a big part of the appeal of R. Kelly (and I can only speculate here) is that he’s a guy who’s not afraid to admit to crying like a bitch over a Nick Sparks movie to the point that his friends were embarrassed. Sociopaths are great at not feeling guilt or embarrassment. Also, I love that I have no idea whether that bit about the helicopter dropping roses is supposed to be literal or metaphorical. Even better, neither interpretation makes the gesture any less confusing! “You know, girl, the day you dumped me was like watching a F-15 drop a bomb made of doves.” Wait, what? Anyway, I’m excited to pick up the book so I can find out which movie made him want to pee on 8th graders. My money’s on The Da Vinci Code.

On related note, my google history now includes the phrase “who did r kelly pee on?”