Reese Witherspoon Is Super Sorry, Y’all

Senior Writer
04.22.13 22 Comments
Little Nicky was a lie!

Yesterday afternoon, Vince frisked us extra long and generously with the knowledge that one-time Simpsons guest Reese Witherspoon had been arrested last Friday in Georgia for getting a little uppity with the law man. Specifically, Witherspoon pulled the “Don’t you know who I am?” diva routine that never leads to anything good. Anyone who has had to get out of trouble with the fuzz will tell you that you can only play that card when you’re pretending you have amnesia. Otherwise, you’re just digging a deeper hole.

Naturally, Witherspoon hasn’t completely opened up about this arrest to Oprah yet, probably because she’s either still in solitary after killing someone over a pack of Newports while locked up or because she’s trying to get this handled as quickly as possible. Either way, she has at least released this statement:

“Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.”

One too many? I’m not buying it. Fortunately, we have our own law enforcement expert on hand to help break down these situations for John Q. Publics like you and I, so I will turn it over to Sheriff BRO for further analysis.

“The perp’s a babe, bro. I’m gonna need bareback-up.”

All righty, bros, here’s the sitch – the babe-cused is that Reeses Witherspoon from the Legally Blonde movie, which I only watched because Blowjob Stacy promised to ask her suitemate, Joslyn with the rad cans, to have a threeway at the Destination Daytona Go Tux Yourself Spring Formal. So this babe was busted for a 69, which is giving a bro blue balls in public because I was all, Hey babe, we should bang and she was like, I’m married, don’t you know who I am? F*ck that, broseph. Remember that guy Raj that we bidded because his dad owned a bunch of liquor stores? He was nailing this married babe for like two weeks and she was just trying to get pregnant to piss her husband off and now Raj has a glass eye.

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