Review: Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

In Which I Pull a Hammy Trying to Explain the Unexplainable

There aren’t many people more polarizing than Tim and Eric. There’s a yawning chasm between the people that love their absurdist, low-fi “nightmare TV” aesthetic (confession: me), and the people who hate them, who’ve tried their best to understand it but concluded that “there’s nothing to get,” and that the people who like Tim & Eric are just stoned, wannabe-ironic exclusionary dicks who deserve ass cancer. (Virtually every bad Tim & Eric review is a subtle variation on this theme). I’ve spent probably too much time theorizing about what might cause this hard split, and here’s the best I could come up with: I think there’s a certain type people see the universe as essentially logical and ultimately explainable, that existence has some greater meaning that all humor should aspire to articulate in some small way, to bring us closer to ultimate understanding. They have no use for anything that doesn’t, which they consider a waste of their time that could be better spent figuring things out. Then there’s another type of people who’ll entertain the notion that the universe might ultimately be some cosmic joke, not solvable and with no explanation, and can revel in its utter inscrutability. Almost all of Tim & Eric’s best bits hone in on some piece of minutiae that the second type of people find hilarious, because it just is, existing at some level of absurdity beyond explanation. The same bits do nothing for the first type of people for the exact same reason. Typical reaction to a Tim & Eric bit:

TYPE 2: “They’re just running with their arms down at their sides, why is that so funny!?”

TYPE 1: “Yes, why is that funny? By which I mean it’s not.”

So, full disclosure, that’s my insanely pretentious justification for why I find things like Robert Loggia playing a CEO of Schlaaang Corp named “Tommy Schlaaang, Jr.” endlessly hilarious. I chuckle just typing that. For counterpoint, see my reverse opinion twin Roger Ebert, who writes: “The corporation is in violation of Ebert’s Law of Funny Names, which teaches us that a name intended to be funny in a movie will almost certainly not be funny. Not everybody can come up with Rufus T. Firefly or Elmer Prettywilli, and if Tommy Schlaaang is the best Tim and Eric can do, they shouldn’t have tried.”

We can agree to disagree on some level, but if you honestly think “Elmer Prettywilli” is funnier that “Tommy Schlaaang Jr,” you’re a f*cking idiot, and maybe you shouldn’t be writing comedy rules.

Oh right, the movie. The plot is that Tommy Schlaaang of Schlaaang Corp has given Tim & Eric a billion dollars to make a movie, which they blew on personal makeovers and a guru played by Zach Galifianakis. They’ve run out of money with just three minutes of footage starring an impersonator they thought was Johnny Depp wearing a suit made of diamonds in a film called “Diamond Jim.” Their scheme to get the money back is to manage the abandoned S’Wallow Valley Mall for Will Ferrell, which has become a haven for hobos, and where a young sickly boy named Taquito played by John C. Reilly has been raised by a vicious wolf, who still lives there.