As far as criminals go, everyone seems to like drug smugglers. It’s essentially a victimless crime, and more importantly, they give you drugs. Who better to play such a lovable ne’er-do-well than Rhys Ifans? A charming Welsh actor who’s normally stuck in movies that might generously be described as “piles of ox twat.” This time around, Ifans stars in Mr. Nice, based on the memoir of British drug smuggler Howard Marks. Says Marks’ own website:
During the mid 1980s, Howard Marks had 43 aliases, 89 phone lines, and 25 companies trading throughout the world. Bars, recording studios, offshore banks: all were money-laundering vehicles serving the core activity: dope dealing. Marks began to deal during a postgraduate philosophy course at Oxford [*dismissive wank*] and was soon moving large quantities of hashish into Europe and America in the equipment of touring rock bands.
At the height of his career, he was smuggling consignments of up to 30 tons from Pakistan and Thailand to America and Canada and had contact with organizations as diverse as the CIA, MI6, the IRA, and the Mafia. After many years and a world-wide operation by the DEA, he was busted and sentenced to 25 years in prison at the United States Federal Penitentiary, Terre Haute, Indiana, the site of America’s only Federal Death Row. He was released on parole in April 1995 after serving seven years of his sentence.
“So… you were taking a prestigious academic course when, after touring with famous rock bands, you decided to become a mysterious secret agent? But how did you find time to pearl dive with the Dalai Lama and start that shelter for injured kittens?” Mr. Nice, more like Mr. Humble. This guy makes Tucker Max look like Woody Allen. I can’t wait for the next autobiographical biopic they make, I’m Awesome, by Professor Metallica von HugeC*ck, MD.