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Scientifically speaking, I believe that if Stephen King doesn’t write at least 100 pages a day, he’ll start biting himself like a shark (sharks do that, right?). One of his most recent works is the not-yet-released 11/22/63, a thousand-page tome about an English teacher who goes back in time to stop the Kennedy assassination. But that’s not all, he also discovers A TREASURE MAP HIDDEN ON THE BACK OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE! Okay, not really, but he does party with Elvis and bang a librarian. The movie rights have already been picked up by Jonathan Demme (Philadelphia, Rachel Getting Married). What do librarians do these days, anyway? Do they just give jerk-off lotion to hobos?
The Oscar-winning filmmaker (The Silence of the Lambs) will write and direct as well as produce the adaptation.
The tome, all 1000-pages of it, is set to hit stores in November and centers on an English teacher who goes through a time portal in an effort to stop the Kennedy assassination. He finds himself dealing with luminaries ranging from Elvis to JFK and meets a high school librarian that becomes the love of his life.
Ilona Herzberg, who produced Demme’s last dramatic feature, Rachel Getting Married, is producing the project, which is not set up or financed. King will exec produce if the movie gets off the ground. [THR]
I hope they change the English teacher to black secret agent Wesley Snipes, and he gets to the book depository with only seconds to spare, finds Lee Harvey Oswald and yells, “ALWAYS BET ON BLACK!” and kicks him out a window. And then Marty McFly pulls up in the Delorean, pulls down his sunglasses and he’s all like, “That’s heavy, Doc!” And then a dog nearby covers his eyes with his paws for some reasons. But that’s just me.
[In other Stephen King news, The Stand is getting a multiple-film adaptation from Warner Bros]
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What this film really should be is “Paul Blart: Time Traveller” in which our hero tries to stop the assassination of JFK with HILARIOUS consequences! Who’s with me?
God dammit, Hollywood, can’t you just make decent versions of The Stand and Salem’s Lot already?!
Patty, they just announced a big screen version of The Stand. Unless I dreamed that. M-O-O-N.
job title changed to “masterbrarians”. dewey decimal system replaced by wally wanktowel designation
I always new it was a magic sandwich that got JFK. The bullet was just a red herring.
Needs Darabont if it’s to come in at 7 hours or so.
Wesley Snipes should yell “BLACK…AND TO THE LEFT!!” over and over again while he is beating the crap out of Oswald. Then he should pay his taxes.
*spoiler alert*
When he comes back through to the present day, Biff Tannen married his Mom and owns a huge casino.
Andy Serkis has already been cast to play the role of the magic bullet. He gives Oswald’s shot such life and soul, it really is incredible acting.
I’ll probably pass on reading this and just wait for Stephen King’s 3000 page book about a guy that goes back in time to kill the person that invested minivans.
*invented minivans
/goes to stand in corner
English teach, hey? I hope there’s a scene where he travels back in time to meet J.D. Salinger…
“In your book, ‘Catcher in the Rye’, I really appreciated the subtext of-”
“No subtext. I wrote that book to piss off highschool kids. End of story!” *Throws jar of urine at Wesley Snipes*
*Snipes tastes urine*
“This is apple juice! I think we found out who’s the REAL phoney!”
@Jess
…cont
Cue to Sallinger – “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for these meddling kids”
He knows what he has to do but can’t tear himself away from the librarian’s grassy knoll.
Maybe instead he goes to 1972 and accidentally destroys the Watergate tapes.
*crosses fingers, kicks minority child*
Chief Dan George should show up and yell, “Always bet on red, white-man”, and then proceed to do a rain dance bringing drenching rain, which forces Kennedy’s driver to close the roof, saving the president, who subsequently gets shot by his wife after catching him in bed with the entire June Carter Dancers cast, while Jackie Gleason and Art Carney sit in a corner passed out drunk.
We need more Indian heroes in movies.
In a sexy twist, we find out that Lee Harvey Oswald went back in time to kill JFK! Chase scene with grassy knoll parkour to follow
Hopefully this will highlight the theory that JFK went back and to the left in order to indicate to his wife an interesting little overgrown elevation that caught his eye; that’s right, the ‘point knoll hypothesis’.
‘cos it’s friday, friday, shitty math jokes on friday.
I hope they get Bill Murray to play JFK. I really like that Bill Murray.
Wesley Snipes arrives 5 seconds too late, throws a stern glance at the car driving by, and says “I never liked you anyway, pretty Mothafucka!”
Keisha…dead. The Duh Duh Man…dead. JFK…dead.
Go back and make sure to give Jackie some stain remover….
Where the fuck is American Tabloid?
You’ve Got Pitt, Sinise and now Chris Hemsworth. Carla Gugino and Anne Hathaway. Darabont’s out of work, Mamet wrote for The Shield, Gaghan even got Entourage stink on him, HBO is an actual thing. DiCaprio waiting in the wings for Wayne, Tom Hardy for Dwight. Duncan for Sonny Liston. Every up-and-comer for the daughter roles. DeNiro, Pacino, Farina and whoever for the mob guys…
WHERE THE FUCK IS AMERICAN TABLOID?
Or Libra or even Harlot’s Ghost. If only King’s gift for hack wasn’t pitch perfect.