Welcome to “Rum and Rom-Coms”. Basically what this is, is I watch a romantic comedy and get drunk while doing so. At the end, I give the film a rating according to how drunk I had to get in order to finish watching it. The higher the number, the worse the movie is. As always, feel free to view as a multi-pager or as a single page.
You guys, I know, it’s been awhile. For some reason I decided to cut back on my drinking for a few weeks, thinking that would somehow detox my sad excuse of a body and change my sad excuse of a life for the better. Not trying to promote alcoholism here, but I have to say that at least when I was frequently drinking I’d find it easier to wake up in the morning (to puke), which would basically force me to get my day started. I’d also have far more regular shits. Anyways, it’s the holiday season and since Christmas is coming up I figure I’d try and find a horrible Christmas-y rom-com. It has to be a Christmas one since Hanukkah or Kwanzaa ones don’t seem to exist (don’t give me that Adam Sandler “Eight Crazy Nights” bullshit).
In case you didn’t know, I am a Jew who has never celebrated Christmas. The last name Stevenson really masks how Jewish my upbringing was. That’s all thanks to my dad, who is a Gentile (or as mom lovingly called him, “a mistake”). When he suggested getting a Christmas tree one year my meshuggah mother kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. Alright obviously I’m exaggerating, but she did give a very stern “Hell no”, and they did end up getting a divorce. Ha, good times.
To sum up, my experience with Christmas has been solely through what I’ve seen on television and in film. Overall, shit seems pretty lame. I think the only Christmas movies I really like are “Home Alone”, “Jingle All the Way”, and “Love Actually”. I really didn’t want to like “Love Actually” but my vagina wouldn’t have it any other way.
Perusing through Netflix, I find a movie called “A Holiday Engagement”. I think the poster looks like that movie with Sarah Jessica Parker where she visits her fiance’s family for Christmas and they all hate her because she’s Sarah Jessica Parker. However, now that I’m reading the synopsis I know it’s definitely not that movie. It reads: “Hillary’s plan to hire a good-looking guy to act as her boyfriend backfires when she brings him home for the holidays to try and fool her family. The joke ends up being on her when the fauxmance invites real complications.”
Fauxmance? Well, of course this is going to be good. This sounds like that movie with Debra Messing where she hires someone to be her boyfriend or something? But, the cast list here has no Debra Messing. Rather it has Bonnie Somerville (???) and Shelley Long. Yup, this has TV Movie written all over it, so I know I have break out the good stuff: Jim Beam.