Rum & Rom-Coms With Alison Stevenson: ‘The Sweetest Thing’

In honor of Sex Tape, which is sure to be an amazing smash (pun intended?) hit of a film, this Rum & Rom-Coms is honoring the one and only Cameron Diaz. Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about her. Like all of you, I’ve never seen a performance of hers I’ve thought was great. But, for some reason I can’t bring myself to hate her. Perhaps this 2002 film, The Sweetest Thing will do it for me. It’s fortunately on Netflix Instant, as is Gambit (the other rom-com I was debating watching, written by the Coen brothers).

I haven’t seen this film before, but I do remember friends of mine in high school talking about it, and bringing up scenes that were supposedly funny. Apparently, this was supposed to be the rom-com to depict women as “cool” and “chill.” Women are just like the bros! Women do sex jokes, and can be all of the horny. Just like guys can. Weird!

The Sweetest Thing also stars Christina Applegate and Selma Blair, two actresses I like a lot, both more than Cameron Diaz. Jason Bateman is in this, too. The romantic lead, however, is some guy named Thomas Jane.

As for alcohol, I am going to have wine tonight. Some red bottle stuff that belongs to my roommate, and has been in the fridge for a month. I have a feeling it is super expired, so I might die watching this movie. If I do die, and ambulance workers have to barge into my room to get me, please tell them I was watching a more respectable film during my last moments on earth. Something like Citizen Kane or Ernest Goes to Camp.

Okay, so I have my wine (poured in a pasta jar I now use as a cup) ready. Pressing play, and the movie starts with a montage of different guys talking about Christina Walters (Cameron Diaz). All these guys mention what a player she is. She breaks hearts and ruins men’s lives because she’s so hot and fun, but doesn’t ever get into relationships. Okay wait, men are lamenting over a woman only wanting to have sex with them, and not wanting to date them? This movie is already bullshit, but let’s move on. Wow, I didn’t know if I could believe it, but to prove how hot and fun she is we see her dancing up a hill (a hill I recognize, this is definitely set in San Francisco). She’s just happy and dancing up a hill. There isn’t even any music playing. What a free-spirit! She talks to her best friend, Courtney (Christina Applegate), on her cell phone about signing a deal. Wait, Cameron Diaz is hot, fun, AND business? How is this woman real? No wonder these men are so heart-broken.

Now Christina and Courtney meet up with Jane (Selma Blair) who just got dumped by her boyfriend. You can tell she just got dumped because she is eating ice cream and crying. No woman eats ice cream for fun. My go to break-up food is whiskey, but ice cream works too I guess. So they tell her that being too available is wrong. Christina literally says, “Don’t go looking for Mr. Right. Go looking for Mr. Right now.” Okay whoever wrote this claims to be a real adult woman, but I have a feeling this script was written by ten fraternity guys using a pseudonym to conceal their identities. Kind of like Shakespeare.

So to console their heart-broken, emotionally available (aka HUGE IDIOT) friend Jane, the three go clubbing! Courtney is hitting on a guy, and sucking on olives on a stick like it’s a penis. This is something no woman has ever done in real life, and if you are with a woman doing this she is probably not a woman. She is ten fraternity bros hiding under one big bandage dress, pretending to be a woman.