The plot description in the Wikipedia entry for Stone Cold begins with this sentence:
Brian Bosworth stars as Joe Huff, a tough Alabama cop who is frustrated with a system that handles criminals with kid gloves.
Let me be clear about something: If you advertised a movie simply by putting up a plain white billboard with black writing that said, “A tough Alabama cop is frustrated with a system that handles criminals with kid gloves. Opens Friday,” I would immediately cancel all my plans for Friday and go see that movie. Provided, of course, that I don’t get so excited upon seeing the billboard that I veer right off the road and die in a fiery wreck. The only way a movie could be more squarely in my wheelhouse is if you managed to somehow work in the phrase “children who are ninjas.”
As I sat down to rewatch the movie this weekend, however, I realized I had already broken the whole thing down. You see, Stone Cold is nothing but Cobra and Cool as Ice whirred up in a blender on puree. You’ve got the smug, motorcycle-riding renegade with a horrible haircut (more on this later) and single earring a la Vanilla Ice in Cool as Ice, and the leather-wearing, badass cop trying to take down a violent motorcycle gang a la Sly Stallone in Cobra. For the love of God, the movie opens with the main character battling madmen with shotguns who are running wild in a supermarket, which is almost exactly how Cobra opens. The only difference is that there are three maniacs as opposed to one. What I’m getting at is this: everyone responsible for Stone Cold should be sued for copyright infringement. And being awesome. Because they are DEFINITELY guilty of that too, as you’ll see.
Before I get into the Breakdown proper, I think we should talk a little about the film’s star. For those of you unfamiliar, Brian “The Boz” Bosworth was a one man self-promotion machine who dabbled a little in football during the mid-to-late 1980s. Actually, that’s a little unfair. He was a force at outside linebacker for Oklahoma during his college career, twice winning the Butkus Award as the nation’s top linebacker, but he was a spectacular flameout in the NFL. After some steroid issues in college, he entered the NFL’s supplemental draft, where he was selected by the Seattle Seahawks and given the largest rookie contract in league history. His career lasted all of 24 games overs three seasons.