Piiiiikey Alpha, Pikey Pikey Alpha, Piiiiikey Alpha, what a bunch of… sweethearts? For the last few years, Hilarity for Charity has recruited Hollywood’s most hilarious stars to help raise money for the National Alzheimer’s Association, but this year the organizers decided to branch out and ask college groups to pitch in and raise some money for a very special prize. Basically, the group that raised the most cash got to meet Hilarity for Charity co-founder Seth Rogen and hang with the star of the new frat-tastic comedy Neighbors. That honor ended up going to the Pikes at the University of Vermont, where they raised an incredible $27,000 doing whatever it is they do.
Naturally, I was curious to find out exactly what they did for a fundraiser, so I got my hands on one of the fraternity’s emails sent out by the chapter president*, and I’d like to share it.
Saps bros and bitch pledge bitches,
As you bros all know, we have a huge fundraiser coming up – not the one for Blowjob Stacy, a different one (RIP Blowjob Stacy) – and if we raise more money than the rest of the p*ssies across America, we get to meet Seth Rogen, and you know Hellmaster Mike has the biggest boner to meet that dude so he can pitch him his idea for a movie about a guy who likes weed. It’s a f*cking hilarious idea. Anyway, we’re gonna borrow the Jager ice blocks from Sleazy Dan’s Strip Club & Taqueria and Tri Delt Lynsee and Pi Phi Aymee agreed to wear white tank tops with no bras, because they think they hooked up with James Franco in Cancun last year, so they hope Seth knows (also it could have been a janitor). So everyone call your parents and tell them that you need money for something like AIDS medicine or morning after pills and then tell your lil bros that if they don’t fork over their meal plan money, we’ll ball their asses. Also, this is gonna eat up most of Black Steve’s and Three-Nut Tim’s defense attorney fund, but it’s the greater good. Wear your jerseys, bro. And unless you want to pay double dues, they better be sleeveless.
Skeeze “The Sleaze” Chesterton, III
*This is obviously a fake email. Vince and I were both fraternity gentlemen and we have nothing but respect from our brothers of all letters. Besides, Blowjob Stacy went to Arizona State.