Senior Editor
05.21.08 59 Comments

To coincide with the Sex and the City Movie opening May 30th, today on ABC News: the cautionary tale of Lisa from Long Island.

She got hooked on "Sex and the City" when she was a 14… It was the same year she lost her virginity. She soon graduated to ordering cosmopolitans at bars she snuck into and cheating on her boyfriend with up to seven other guys — in one week.

Man, what a whore!  But surely she couldn’t be to blame for her own actions!

"When you’re that age you try to emulate people on TV. Carrie smoked, so I smoked, Samantha looked at hooking up with random people as not a big deal, so that’s what I did too," said Lisa, now 22.

Hooking up with random people?  Probably not that big a deal.  Seven dudes in one week when you’re 14?  You just won the Whore Olympics (if you thought the regular olympics’ torch was phallic…).

    But Lisa remembers re-enacting one particular Samantha scene in her own life: Season 3, episode 39, in which the bachelorette-for-life scrunches her face up at her latest suitor and tells him she doesn’t like the way he tastes.
    "That was something that happened to me. I used her exact words: ‘You have funky spunk,’" she said. "I knew from watching the show that it had to do with something he was eating," so she took a cue from the script and took an ax to a certain item in his diet.

Might as well have taken an ax to his penis after you had sex with him!  Haha, this is going to make great brunch conversation!  But of course, Lisa’s story has a happy ending, and not because it’s set in an Asian massage parlor.

Lisa left her "Samantha" ways behind at 19, when she moved to Utah, became a Mormon…

…married a man within the church and gave birth to two children [bet they just fell right out of there – Ed.]. For the first year of her marriage, her husband forbade her to watch "Sex and the City" for fear that it would lure her back to her habits of sex, drugs and one-too-many cosmos. [via ABC]

Yup, if there were ever a surefire cure for whorin’ it’s Mormonism.  I mean, what a story!  Hope you were paying attention, Mormon missionaries, that’s recruiting gold! The real winner here is the husband, who, after a life of abstention and wholesome haircuts gets rewarded with a wife who used to get her guts exploded by any biker with a six pack and a motel key.  Yes, the lord works in mysterious ways.

The rest of the article drones on for awhile quoting random “experts” out of context and attempting to justify a story like Lisa’s being in ABC and not The Onion.  Although I only skim read it, I’m pretty sure it never explains when they started hiring 15-year-old girls taking remedial English classes to do their reporting. 

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