Shia LaBeouf Announces He’s ‘Retiring From Public Life’ Because Of ‘Attacks On My Artistic Integrity’

Shia Labeouf recently announced that he’s retiring from pubic lice. Wait no, I read that wrong, he says he’s retiring from public life. Oh no! Quick, someone hire a skywriter to draw a giant frownie face!

Poor lamb. Who knew ripping off a guy’s work without permission or attribution and subsequent refusal to acknowledge his own culpability would lead to such unwarranted attacks against his artistic integrity? I’m sad to see him go, but at least he’s learned his lesson, right?!

Good thing he left such a massive body of work for us to enjoy before he went off to grow his fingernails and walk around his mansion with Kleenex boxes on his shoes.

“Every time you pick up a book, enjoy a painting, or take in a film, know that I created that because I love you and want you to be happy.” -Shia LaBeouf.