The Best Parts Of The 2014 Gathering Of The Juggalos Infomercial

Psychopathic Records has released the latest infomercial for the 2014 Gathering of the Juggalos, and I watched all 23 damned minutes of it. After spending four days in an RV at last year’s Gathering, it really wasn’t so bad. I suppose this is also a great time to tell you that Whoop Dreams should be available for free on Hulu by the end of the week.

Aaaanyhoo, let’s talk about this infomercial. Advertising this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos, which has relocated from its old location at Hog Rock Campground in Cave in Rock, Illinois to Legend Valley in Thornville, Ohio, it features a protagonist named “Chop,” a guy with tattoos for eyebrows whom the narrator tells us is “A 25-year-old Juggalo who just so happens to be kicking it with one of his kinda ugly bitches,” when he gets hit by a meteor and dies. If you assumed that he’d then go up to Heaven with Ass Dan and Uncle Ken, you’re kinda right, but first, St. Peter sends Chop down to hell, where the Devil takes one look at Chop’s Juggalo tattoos and says “There are no Juggalos down here in hell, you idiot, get out of my damn face!”

One of the things that always fascinates me about the Juggalos is how they can be so gleefully vulgar one minute and so strangely self-censoring the next (Idiot? Damn face?). So anyway, Chop goes back up to Heaven where St. Peter, realizing that he’s a Juggalo, tells him all about the 2014 Gathering, which is obviously heaven.

Here are some of the musical acts playing this year’s Gathering. Or as Chop puts it, “The f*ckin tunage, man. The beats, bro!”

NOTE: I put an “n” next to some bands to indicate that they’re Not wearing facepaint in their promo clips. All other acts are wearing face paint.

  • ICP
  • The entire roster of Psychopathic records
  • Anybody Killa
  • Boondox
  • Axe Murder Boyz (n)
  • Big Hoodoo
  • Dark Lotus
  • Legz Diamond & The Purple Gang n
  • Twiztid
  • Blaze Ya Dead Homie
  • Biohazard n
  • Caskey n
  • Kottonmouth Kings n
  • Whitney Peyton n
  • Wolfpac n

Meanwhile, a CNN-style crawler suggests that you’ll be able to “Peep slippery nipples at the wet t-shirt competition” (which is true, in my experience). Sometimes you even get to peep semi-consensual, Faygo-drenched analingus while dodging water balloons and fire crackers.

A Juggalette angel comes on to tell Chop about how to find some “neden” (that’s Juggalese for a ‘lette’s hairy hatchet wound, my ninja) at the Gathering, which is indeed a neden hotbed, to hear her tell it.

“You better believe it, ninja. The stats are that a good ninja has a better chance at finding love than any other place in the cosmos. BUT, Juggalettes ain’t no hos, you feel me?”

Chop gets excited, saying “You know what? I’m actually pretty happy I got merc’d.”

But the angel quickly corrects him, saying “I said a GOOD ninja. Now you getting some booty? That is funny. More like a COW’S booty!”

Boom. Roasted.

Then it’s time to introduce the comedy acts:

  • Joey Gay
  • Sherrod Small
  • Gilbert Gottfried
  • Mick Foley

Let me reiterate: GILBERT GOTTFRIED IS GOING TO BE AT THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS. I think I still have PTSD from last year’s Gathering, but I am beyond intrigued by the idea of one of the world’s most Jewish men attending one of the world’s most goyishe spectacles.

More bands:

  • Madchild
  • Hopsin n (no face paint, but weird contact lenses)
  • Yellawolf n
  • Cannibal Corpse n
  • Tech n9ne
  • Cypress Hill n
  • Dizzy Wright n
  • Da Mafia 6ix
  • Ces Cru

Cannibal Corpse? Dammit, stop making me want to go to this.

Next, “Chuck Bareass” introduces the dance parties, including the “Horney Nuts & Big Butts Party hosted by DJ Clay.” As always, the reality of Juggalos trumps the SNL version (RIP, Ass Dan). Also, Juggalos have a weird way of surprising you with deep cultural references like Chuck Barris.

More bands:

  • La Coka Nostra n
  • Hed PE
  • Wayne Static of Static X
  • Psychopathic Rydas
  • Jellyroll n
  • Stevie Stone n
  • Shock G from Digital Underground n
  • Lil Wyte n
  • Bone Crusher n
  • Underground Avengers n
  • Jarren Benton
  • Johnny Richter n
  • Razakel & Sicktanick n
  • Twisted Insane n
  • Zug Izland n
  • Motown Rage n

“Twisted Insane” had to be aware of Twiztid when he came up with this name, didn’t he? I like the idea that he thought “Twisted” and “Twiztid” were different enough that no one would confuse the two. Also, HOLY SHIT HUMPTY FROM DIGITAL UNDERGROUND, CANCEL ALL MY PLANS THIS SUMMER. Humpty being there is completely out of left field and yet makes total sense at the same time. I think if you wanted to make a Juggalo with that machine from The Fly, you’d stick the Bush Whackers in there with Humpty and a Geto Boys CD.

They introduce the wrestling acts, but first, there’s a quick interlude down in hell where we see the devil masturbating to a copy of “Fat Bitches” starring Big Ang from Mob Wives on the cover. The implication here is that a lot of Juggalos are watching Mob Wives, which actually makes a lot of sense.

In any case, that’s about it for this year’s Gathering. Where else in the world could you catch Gilbert Gottfried, Cannibal Corpse, and Humpty from Digital Underground in between squirting discount soda at a runaway’s tits? God bless America.