Everyone and their momma does a fall preview, but we have a very clear mission statement here at Uproxx Inc, LTD:
“We are not your momma.”
So our FALL PREVIEW is going to be a little different. A little more sultry. A lot more sensual. And slightly ticklish. Lo and also behold, it’s FALL MOVIES RANKED BY BANGABILITY! In our years of running this site, we think we’ve learned a little something about what the average internet commenter likes, and so we’ve taken your lead to rate this fall’s offerings on a scale of “2/10” to “boner city.”
Note: Fall doesn’t start until September 27. Whatever.
WOULD NOT BANG
Dolphin Tale 2 (Sep. 12)
Will clearly be a shell of the seminal first offering, a heartwarming tale of bionic dolphins and Harry Connick Jr., but I do like how they make Dolphin Match.com seem like ER.
No Good Deed (Sep. 12)
Idris Elba should only play a good guy (Pacific Rim) or a gangster who wants to get into the real estate game (The Wire). Anything else is just fool talk.
Tusk (Sep. 19)
I’m just so happy Kevin Smith has stopped making those movies everyone could enjoy! In this one he pretends to make one you’re going to like before shoving the other thing down your face.
A Walk Among the Tombstones (Sep. 19)
More like a NAP among the tombstones, amiriiiiiight?
The Maze Runner (Sep. 19)
A cool concept that will be messed up and left for dead by the dreaded “young adult” paintbrush.