The most shockingly asinine news story of all time

Before I recount to you the following article about the premiere of Just Go With It (attended by Brooklyn Decker and her awesome outfit), I must preface it by reminding you that Variety is Hollywood’s premiere trade publication and has been for going on 70 years.  God knows it doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously, but sadly, it totally is.

Now then.  Everything about this Variety article by Lucas Shaw is so insanely pointless and idiotic that your co-worker’s recap of her non-sequitur dream about a cat is the Library of Alexandria by comparison.  A thousand years from now, it will be recognized as the Dead Sea Scrolls of moronic entertainment journalism.  It makes Pete Hammond look like Shakespeare.

Red carpet war of words
Dan Patrick assess the ‘Just Go With It’ cast [sic]

Dan Patrick has spent the bulk of his career reporting on competitions for the likes of CNN and ESPN, but his expert judgments went unwanted at Tuesday’s preem of Columbia’s “Just Go With It.”

A preem?  Wait, that’s not a whole word!  Quick, shove this article back in your uterus, I can’t afford these medical bills!

Patrick plays the judge of a hula contest in the Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston comedy, and during filming he says he was quite impressed with bit player Nicole Kidman. “If you see Kidman, Kidman is an athlete,” he said outside Ziegfeld’s, referring to the hula competish with Aniston.

A ‘competish!’  Haha, this is so breezy!  I love it.  Wait, what the f*ck are we talking about again?  I’ve got my quill and legal pad all ready to go, but so far all I’ve written on it is “Dan Patrick played a hula judge.”  And if anyone sees it, let’s be honest, I’ll probably be committed.  Something like that, you just as soon use the paper to make yourself a diaper and turn the phrase into something you shout at passing pigeons for all the sense it makes.  DAN PATRICK PLAYED A HULA JUDGE!  THE PENGUIN’S FECES MAKES SAUCE FOR PORRIDGE!  OLIVE LOAF!

Helmer Dennis Dugan found Patrick’s remarks ill-advised. “If I were Dan, I wouldn’t say that when Jennifer Aniston comes walking by because she’ll take Dan down,” he quipped. “Jennifer Aniston is way tougher than Dan Patrick.”

If you compliment Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Aniston will fight you, that’s my take away from this.  What if I praise Willow Smith’s dance skills?  Same deal?  Why’s that Aniston bitch so jealous?  And why are ESPN’s employees so effeminate?

As the hula contest was filmed, another competition of sorts transpired on set in the form of a swear jar. Again Patrick offered his insights, identifying the biggest culprit. “I think Dave Matthews,” he said. “Dave Matthews – potty mouth.”

From one competition to the next! Of sorts!  Why, the transition is so smooth and silky I could fashion it into a brassiere for the queen!  “A HULA CONTEST?  WHY THAT REMINDS ME OF THE SWEAR JAR I CREATED FOR DAVE MATTHEWS!”  -No one, not even in the Family Guy writer’s room.

“He’s just saying that,” Matthews countered. “Dan Patrick is a filthy pig. He’s the filthiest pig I ever met in my life and that’s saying a lot. Seriously, he is a filthy pig.”

Contact the variety newsroom at [Editor’s Note: I did not remove a single word of this article]

Dan Patrick is a filthy pig, and let me tell you something, pendejo: Dave Matthews knows filthy pigs.  Dan Patrick is a pig so thickly caked with his own excrement that he’s not fit to judge Jennifer Aniston’s hula contest, and that is a fact. Seriously, I know. I farmed pigs.

If you know of any late-breaking news stories, please email the Variety news room.  You may have to try twice.  They’re very busy.