The search for the world’s greatest headline is over

You’ll have to excuse the non-movie-related digression once again, but given the banner image, I think you understand. ATTENTION, EVERYONE! THE BUTT COKE HAS GONE BAD! REPEAT, THE BUTT COKE! HAS GONE! BAD!

Both brothers were taken into custody on allegations they had drugs in their car.

TURNS OUT THEY WERE IN THE TRUNK! (*dodges tomato, keisters tomato for later*)

But police told Charleston, S.C., TV station WCIV there were additional drugs hidden in 23-year-old Deangelo Mitchell’s backside.
Officers said Deangelo Mitchell convinced his brother, 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell, to swallow the ounce of cocaine to hide the evidence. He died soon afterward.

(*pours butt coke out on ground*)

Deangelo Mitchell already bonded out of jail on the drug charge, but now police are looking for him again on charges of involuntary manslaughter. [WCYB]

Oh Lord, please tell me he’s also going to be charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon. Someone’s butt being legally considered a deadly weapon would make this the feel-good death story of the century. We salute you, now-deceased, alleged butt-coke eater. You may be gone, but may your family be assuaged the anguish of their bereavement over your passing in the knowledge that you died for something greater than yourself, having laid the ultimate sacrifice upon the altar of butt coke. Forever and ever amen.

Perhaps they meant “brothers” not as in biological siblings, but more in the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think.

This poor guy. I imagine his friends at the funeral. “Wayne, you know Wayne was an amazing guy. Just so loyal. He was the kind of guy who’d give you the shirt right off his back. The kind of guy who’d eat cocaine out of your butt to keep from going to jail. He was just so selfless. Really, he’d bend over backwards to eat coke out of your butt. That’s just the kind of guy he was.”