Senior Editor
09.23.08 60 Comments

Curve the harpoon!

According to Variety, Universal has made a “splashy buy” of classic Melville novel Moby Dick (get it, splashy?  Because it’s a whale?).  And they’ve tapped the dickhead behind Wanted to direct.  The rest of the article basically confirms all of your worst fears about people in Hollywood.

Studio paid high six figures to Adam Cooper and Bill Collage to pen the screenplay.
The writers revere Melville’s original text, but their graphic novel-style version will change the structure.

Please, go on.  This doesn’t sound enough like unintentional self-parody yet.

“Our vision isn’t your grandfather’s ‘Moby Dick,’ ” Cooper said. [ahh, much better –Ed.] “This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story.”
Scott Stuber
is producing with Jim Lemley and Cormac and Marianne Wibberley.
We wanted to take a graphic novel sensibility to a classic narrative,” said Collage. They brought it to the Wibberlys, the “National Treasure” scribes who are branching into producing and will team with Stuber. The project then caught the fancy of [Timur] Bekmambetov and Lemley, who teamed with the helmer on “Wanted.”

A graphic novel is a novel that has pictures, right?  So when they say they’re adding a “graphic novel sensibility” to a novel, they’re basically saying they’re gonna add pictures, right?  Or does it mean they’re shifting the target audience to people too dumb to read books?  Either way, I can’t wait to see their update of the bible, Jesus: F-ck Yeah.  It’s not your grandpa’s bible, you faggot.

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