Senior Editor
12.04.08 46 Comments

Stephen Sommers is the awful director they let handle the GI Joe movie, which will probably end up something like Saving Private Ryan as done by Jerry Bruckheimer.  Meanwhile, Sommers’ next project is apparently going to be a Tarzan movie.  I think.  If you can make any sense of the following description, you’re either brilliant, or some kind of retard whisperer.

The action-adventure icon will trash his loincloth and throw on a pair of khakis for the next big screen take.

Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) and screenwriter Stuart Beattie (Australia) are ditching the boy-raised-by-apes origin story for a 1930’s-set romp with a hefty helping of romance: Think Pirates of the Caribbean with buffed-and-tanned actors flying through the jungle and sprinting up trees, parkour-style. [EW]

Hmm, let’s try to break this down: Tarzan won’t be raised by apes. ERGO, he will be wearing KHAKIS, not A LOINCLOTH.  But don’t worry, he will still be BUFF AND TAN and FLYING THROUGH THE JUNGLE, because… uh… ROMANCE.  And it will also be like PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, but also with PARKOUR – which of course is the sport of urban free running… So somehow, you subtract URBAN from PARKOUR and add PIRATES and you get this: uh… TARZAN.  Either that, or you get a headache and the overwhelming desire to throw poop at someone.

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