FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: Murderous Accountants And Rebel Ballet Dancers And More

This week in This Week In Movie Posters begins, fittingly, with this foreign poster for The Accountant. Obviously I would’ve known this movie was called The Accountant without already having seen the ads for it, because nothing screams “accountant” like a 6-foot-4 dude with a cleft chin holding a big ass gun. DAWCTAH SAYS I GAWT ASPERGAHS, NOW I LAUNDAH MONEY FA FACKIN DRUG CAHTELS. HEY CHAHLENE, WATCH ME ICE THIS HAHD ON FROM FIVE HUNDRID YAHDS WITH MY SNIPAH RIFLE.

Here we have one of those “cool, but I have no idea what it’s about posters” for The Alchemist Cookbook. There’s a lot of that going around come festival season. Always a big secret! I know you want to retain that cool, indie films, but if you want to make some money, err towards overexplaining. Sellouts have no secrets.

Suffering from delusions of fortune, a young hermit hides out in the forest hoping to crack an ancient mystery, but pays a price for his mania. [IMDb]

I’m guessing the ancient mystery is how to turn stuff into gold?

Here’s a pretty straightforward poster for Bastards. Proof positive that if you have a simple concept (and all studio comedies seem to contain the entire plot in the title these days) you might as well go with a simple poster. But hey, didn’t they already make this movie with Vince Vaughn a few years back? It sort of bombed, and everyone said it was bad? No, not that one, the other one.

“The James Dean of the ballet world.”

Ooh, and he’s got SICK STOMACH TATS. This looks like they let the guy who did the Point Break remake direct a ballet movie. An idea I’m behind 100%, by the way.

It’s hard to imagine rebels in certain professions. “He’s like the Malcolm X of the symphony!”

Who would’ve ever thought that the 2010s would bring us TWO movies about ballerinas breakin’ all the rules? What a time to be alive. Also, do ballerinos wear protective cups now? Has that always been a thing? Everything I know about ballet I learned from Black Swan and Top Secret!

I’m glad I can’t tell who called Dog Eat Dog “the best thing Paul Schrader has done in decades,” because that is quite false, even for a guy who hasn’t done many good things in decades. But okay, let’s focus on the poster. What is happening with Willem Dafoe’s wardrobe? He looks like an action figure where someone switched the torsos. What’s happening here? Do Photoshop layers take up actual physical bulk now? Willem Dafoe’s wardrobe was the only thing I actually liked about this movie.

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