FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Brad Pitt, ‘Rogue One,’ And Amy Adams’ Elegant Nostrils

This week in This Week In Movie Posters, we start off with probably this week’s most baffling offering. Up at the top there, there’s a quote from Kristy Puchko, “dangerously sexy.” A little cliché, but I get it, so far so good. And then there’s the two stars staring at us from bathroom mirrors — the small kind of mirrors, like for plucking your eyebrows or checking for genital warts. A little more weird, but fine, it’s a mirror theme. Only the mirrors are attached to… uh… what the hell is that? A double line from a highway? Two plastic straws really close together?

I realize those sound like terrible guesses, but there’s not a single possibility I can think of that makes any more sense. And the straw dealies are… coming out of a mountain? Like, mountain straws? A straw mountain with bathroom mirrors attached? Man, I’m so confused. If you understand this, let us know.

[all posters via Internet Movie Poster Awards]

And here we have Brad Pitt and Marillon Cotillard in Allied, which I believe may have OG’d. The G stands for “Glamour.” Like what did you do to Brad Pitt’s hair? It’s like they overshot “40s glamour” and landed on “Wayne Newton.”

In 1942, an intelligence officer in North Africa encounters a female French Resistance fighter on a deadly mission behind enemy lines. When they reunite in London, their relationship is tested by the pressures of war. [IMDB]

Come on, how do you screw up Brad Pitt in a WWII movie?

And here we have Arrival, which is a film about some extraterrestrial aliens who arrive to Earth on a giant dildo ship. Judging by the sun-kissed hair and light breeze and they odd angle at which this was shot, I think the premise is that Amy Adams is going to calm the dildo aliens with her elegant nostrils. “Wait, Mr. President, take your finger off the button. Let me just… flare and unflare for a minute.”

Meanwhile, Jeremy Renner is all “What?” while Forrest Whitaker is like “Nah.” But none of them can stop Amy Adams because she’s very tall.

Remember olden times when you could just disguise yourself with a badass hood and no one would suspect a thing? Ahh, those were the days. Also, I still can’t believe they got Michael F. Assbender to be in this. I mean Mark Wahlberg was in Max Payne, but Mark Wahlberg was also in the Funky Bunch before he was an Oscar nominee.

By the way, “your destiny is in your blood” sounds like some sh*t the Klan would say.

I don’t entirely understand the premise of this movie, between the title and the non-literal graphic, but I’m intrigued nonetheless. Mainly because the cure apparently seems to involve see-through skirts. I’m always intrigued by see-through skirts.

“The TRUE STORY of a LOVE that INSPIRED the WORLD.”

I’ll say. I don’t even know who these people are and I’m inspired. Every time I look at this poster I hear the voice of a thirties radio announcer saying “That’s it, go get ’em, Chahlie!”

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