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This Week In Posters: Brad Pitt, ‘Rogue One,’ And Amy Adams’ Elegant Nostrils

This week in This Week In Movie Posters, we start off with probably this week’s most baffling offering. Up at the top there, there’s a quote from Kristy Puchko, “dangerously sexy.” A little cliché, but I get it, so far so good. And then there’s the two stars staring at us from bathroom mirrors — the small kind of mirrors, like for plucking your eyebrows or checking for genital warts. A little more weird, but fine, it’s a mirror theme. Only the mirrors are attached to… uh… what the hell is that? A double line from a highway? Two plastic straws really close together?

I realize those sound like terrible guesses, but there’s not a single possibility I can think of that makes any more sense. And the straw dealies are… coming out of a mountain? Like, mountain straws? A straw mountain with bathroom mirrors attached? Man, I’m so confused. If you understand this, let us know.

[all posters via Internet Movie Poster Awards]

And here we have Brad Pitt and Marillon Cotillard in Allied, which I believe may have OG’d. The G stands for “Glamour.” Like what did you do to Brad Pitt’s hair? It’s like they overshot “40s glamour” and landed on “Wayne Newton.”

In 1942, an intelligence officer in North Africa encounters a female French Resistance fighter on a deadly mission behind enemy lines. When they reunite in London, their relationship is tested by the pressures of war. [IMDB]

Come on, how do you screw up Brad Pitt in a WWII movie?

And here we have Arrival, which is a film about some extraterrestrial aliens who arrive to Earth on a giant dildo ship. Judging by the sun-kissed hair and light breeze and they odd angle at which this was shot, I think the premise is that Amy Adams is going to calm the dildo aliens with her elegant nostrils. “Wait, Mr. President, take your finger off the button. Let me just… flare and unflare for a minute.”

Meanwhile, Jeremy Renner is all “What?” while Forrest Whitaker is like “Nah.” But none of them can stop Amy Adams because she’s very tall.

Remember olden times when you could just disguise yourself with a badass hood and no one would suspect a thing? Ahh, those were the days. Also, I still can’t believe they got Michael F. Assbender to be in this. I mean Mark Wahlberg was in Max Payne, but Mark Wahlberg was also in the Funky Bunch before he was an Oscar nominee.

By the way, “your destiny is in your blood” sounds like some sh*t the Klan would say.

I don’t entirely understand the premise of this movie, between the title and the non-literal graphic, but I’m intrigued nonetheless. Mainly because the cure apparently seems to involve see-through skirts. I’m always intrigued by see-through skirts.

“The TRUE STORY of a LOVE that INSPIRED the WORLD.”

I’ll say. I don’t even know who these people are and I’m inspired. Every time I look at this poster I hear the voice of a thirties radio announcer saying “That’s it, go get ’em, Chahlie!”

Well sure, it’s easy to make a relationship look important when you’re sitting on a mountaintop. Why do you think so many people propose at Machu Picchu? Anyway, go get ’em, Chahlie!

I don’t have much else to say here other than that David Oyelowo looks dapper as f*ck in forties clothes.

If you read this column regularly, by now you’re probably used to (sick of) me bitching about the tilted horizon line trend. This is a cooler, subtler version of this, a kind of leaning pyramid of dudes. It works well with the left justified text and hey is that guy wearing blue socks under white birkenstocks on the right there? Figures. Nothing is more punk rock than socks with sandals.

That goat skull deal with the Asian people inside of it is pretty cool looking. And it has the benefit of distracting you from the fact that this is apparently another horror movie about a creepy little kid. Look, there she is, right in the middle of the goat skull. (Cow skull? Look, I’m not a botanist)

I’m digging the Usual Suspects/Smoking In The Boys Room vibe of this new Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 poster. Seems like they could’ve featured the raccoon more prominently though. He gets a little lost down there, and the last thing you want is a lost raccoon. They have graspy little hands and only come out at night. They’re like furry little miniature lone ranger sex criminals. With graspy, gropey little furry hands.

Hoo boy, I actually thought that guy was Lance Bass at first. Based on the names, it’s not him. Though who is the third person named on the poster? Assuming hospital girl and figure skater are the same person, I mean, which I do.

Anyway, this poster definitely isn’t keeping any secrets. Is this the most on-the-nose title in the history of titles?

Are Dev Patel and Rooney Mara supposed to be in the same room? I just imagine her saying “Get your hair off me, Dev.”

Anyway, this one’s a little baffling as well. There’s a love story, with a “true story of a life lost and found” (whatever that means) sandwiched in the middle, and each person divided into three squares. I guess I’m supposed to think “Oh thank God, finally a movie with some yearning!”

I do like yearning.

I actually really like this poster, despite the fact that wacky ensemble Christmas comedies are almost never good. In fact, the more recognizable names on the poster for a wacky holiday comedy, the worse it’s inevitably going to be.

God damn I love this creepy ass bear. And the 2 is a marmalade sandwich. This is wonderful. I like the slight little smirk too. I think that’s the British version of a Dreamworks face.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the “shocked eyeballs” used so effectively before. Without it, it’s just these normal ass looking white people kissing, but you throw some shocked eyeballs in there and now we’re like, “Ooh, a scandal!” And why is it called “Rainbow Time?” Please, tell me more.

“Who’s following you?”

A creepy guy in a cool mask with beautiful eyes? Is this like It Follows, only the follower represents addiction?

Any time you can squeeze at least three terrible haircuts and a pro wrestler into the same frame you know it’s a Christian movie. Aw shucks, are those small holes in his jeans? These slawck-jawed yokels are just like us.

Here’s the first of a big batch of character posters for Rogue One. Get it? Those are the plans for the Death Star. Oh good, a Death Star plot, it seems like they’re always forgetting to include the Death Star in Star Wars stuff. (I do like the pear-shaped fleur de lis logo thing they’ve got going though)

“Thee death star? Ju wan me to blow ope thee death star? I do thees for you, señor, pero es muy dangerous.”

It is my firm belief that the quality of Forest Whitaker performances go up the more disheveled he looks. And he looks very disheveled here. In fact it looks like someone walked by and shaved off part of his mustache so that it’d be extra lopsided. I can’t wait.

I bet Josh Gad voices this guy. They’re going to try to sneak Josh Gad in here somewhere, I just know it.

My goodness, that is a cavernous womb. Did they get your mom to model for this?

“Trash Fire?” Really? Did they just take the most common internet slur for a bad movie and make it into a title? That’s one strategy, I suppose.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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