FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: Rocksteady And BeBop Are Live-Action Now, Sort Of

I still don’t know how they’re going to turn Angry Birds into a movie, considering it has about as much plot as Tetris, but I enjoyed this poster. Though if it’s Easter, shouldn’t the eggs be painted? Was that too much work? Angry Birds seem to prove that eyebrows are the most important parts of a cartoon.

The heroes are lining up for a fight in this German poster for Captain America: Civil War (which is apparently called The First Avenger: Civil War in Germany). Is it just me, or does Chris Evans look like Scott Eastwood in this picture? Also, is that a spaceship back there? You think that’s a clue? I wonder if this is the movie where they finally use all the useless characters they introduced in Age of Ultron and the last Captain America movie. Anthony Mackie has to be happy about finally being a major character again. Remember when he showed up in Ant-Man and he was all, “Hey, guys! I’m Falcon! You got anything for me to do? No? Well okay then, see ya later!”

That was Ant-Man, right? I don’t even remember which is which anymore.

This Colonia movie suddenly looks like YA fiction. It did not before. Which colony is this? District 11? Allergant?

A young woman’s desperate search for her abducted boyfriend that draws her into the infamous Colonia Dignidad, a sect nobody ever escaped from. [IMDB]

I guess the poster is okay, but it seems like they could’ve tried to Photoshop some better acting onto Emma Watson.

This new Criminal poster has both the “pyramid of people” design and an arbitrarily diagonal horizon line (classic movie poster stuff). But damn if everything doesn’t look amazing hand drawn. Why do these look so much better than actual photography? Could every poster be like this?

Whoa. Last week I was talking about how impressive it was that The Curse of the Sleeping Beauty was able to create a unique “look” just in the poster. Well, that was before I saw the main character (I think that’s who this is?). Now I feel like I’m looking at a Disney Channel recreation of an Evanescence video.

Going with the direct approach on this poster for Peter Berg’s Deepwater Horizon. They’re obviously selling it based on the drama of the event it depicts, which makes a lot of sense. I’m just worried about Mark Wahlberg. He delivers most of his lines out of breath on a good day, what’s it going to be like when he’s starring in a movie about an unstoppable oil spill? He might hyperventilate.

Michael Keaton as Ray Kroc? Count me in. Wait, who’s John Lee Hancock? Am I supposed to know who that is? Okay, I looked it up, he’s the guy who directed The Blind Side. I guess “directed by John Lee Hancock” is better than “from the director of The Blind Side.”

Yer savin’ that burger’s life.

Round of applause, everyone! A horror movie that doesn’t seem to be about a haunted house and/or a creepy little kid is like finding a four-leaf clover. Also, Kal Penn in a horror movie? Kal Penn with his name above the title? I am intrigued. Well done, strange horror movie poster.

The story before Snow White? Gee, I’ve always been curious about that. Did she grow up in a loving household? Were her parents truly in love or was it more them staying together out of convenience? Was she typical of her time or an outlier? How did the political changes going on in mythical fairyland help to shape her? I hope this goth leather movie about axe play goes really deep into the societal forces at play.

Oh, Jessi Chastain. I’m sure she took this role to prove that she had range, and I don’t blame her for that. But she looks way too dignified for the material, like someone tried to stick Meryl Streep into The Last Witch Hunter.

Idris Elba is playing a big f*ckin’ tiger! Now that’s how you sell. I kind of wish Idris Elba was always a big f*ckin’ tiger. He also made a wonderful waterbuffalo police chief in Zootopia. Is there anyone you’d rather hear voicing a talking animal than Idris Elba? Discuss.

Man, that’s a big ass torch for a little kid. I wonder if the sparks burn his bare chest. What a coincidence, all of my favorite movies have bare-chested young boys and lots of sparks.

Anyway, the kid looks like a great Mowgli. Does it seem funny to you that this kid is playing some kind of prehistoric wild child and he still has less hair than most child actors? Is every child actor constantly campaigning for the role of Mowgli? Seriously, if any Hollywood stylists are reading this, cut your child actors’ hair. I can’t concentrate on the movie if all I want to do is push the kid down and give him a crew cut.

It’s pretty wild how much better computer animators have gotten at depicting fur just in the past year. They also managed to imbue this CG bear with Bill Murray’s melancholic glibness. I like to imagine this bear crashing a house party, or waking up the next morning to find him doing dishes.

“So, you think that Jungle Book movie is going to be any good?”

“I dunno, but the giant animals look super realistic and scary.”

For comment on this poster, we turn to Ice Cube.

Oh, Lego Batman, why do you continue to look so good?

Haha, I get it, it’s real dark in there.

What does it take to prove the impossible? Apparently EQUATIONS ON WINDOWS. Also, LOTS of tweed. Like three or four separate layers of it.

“Jenkins, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“The equations all over the quiet boy’s windows?”

“Precisely.”

“Give him the tweed.”

I kind of like the idea of George Clooney playing a Jim Cramer-type character. But I imagine it with the Coen Brothers or Terry Gilliam directing, so that it’d be kind of surreal and colorful and absurd. This looks like they took an absurd premise and made it thuper theriouth.

Hey, look, it’s Captain America: Civil War, but with comedy. Batman V Superman made $400 million this weekend, don’t expect this “vs” theme to go anywhere any time soon. Oh man, I bet this sorority is going to play the sexiest pranks.

Jeez, Giovanni Ribisi looks old these days, doesn’t he?

Well if Logan Huffman and Lucy Fry are in this, count me in! (I have no idea who those people are.) Also, I don’t know if this is a fair reason for not seeing a movie, but I really don’t like that kid’s mouth.

And finally, we have the promised Bebop poster for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. Wait, no, this is Rocksteady, Bebop’s the warthog. Did… uh… did Rocksteady always have a tribal stomach tat? I know he’s only the producer, but I imagine it’s Michael Bay who’s always demanding they put flames on everything. Jake! Get in here! What’s wrong with this rhino stomach, why aren’t there more flames!

Okay, this character design is actually pretty awesome. The chin whiskers are a nice touch, and the hairy warthog belly is strangely fitting. I might be the world’s biggest sucker for anthropomorphized animals.

And this poster is even better. Reminding people of the cartoon while hiding the new CG turtles just seems like smart business.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

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