This Week In Movie Posters: Bad Moms, Neon Damons, And Jonah Hill Does Scarface

This week in This Week in Posters, we start, thanks to the curse of alphabetical order, with Bad Moms. Which apparently comes to us via the writers of The Hangover, a selling point that may seem outdated, but still sounds a lot better than “from the writers of Ghosts of Christmas Past.”

Anyway, I have an idea: maybe instead of telling us which flavor of dull-ass mom each character is, maybe tell us what exactly it is that makes them “bad.” Because if this is just another half-assed Hangover clone and no one becomes a race-baiting demagogue or disenfranchises the poor I’m going to be bored. Oh gosh, did the cardigan lady drink some schnapps again? My stars.

She’s such a stay-at-home mom she just “stayed home” when they were shooting these pictures and had them photoshop her instead. Bad mom indeed. I’m glad that she has a necklace that says “mom” so that I’d know she’s a mom.

Does anyone remember Mom’s Night Out? Is Bad Moms the first secular remake of a faith-based film? Also, why does every character have to pose in front of that ugly ass door?

If this mom is so perfect, why is she tying off her belt instead using those perfectly good belt holes? Good moms use the belt holes they were given where I’m from.

Jaden Smith’s mom as the judgy one? Really casting against type there, I guess.

Roughly how boring would I have to be to think this looks interesting?

Ooh la la, a bare midriff? That seems rather revealing for this time period. Is she playing a prostitute? A stripper? Howdy, doll face. I got a coupla buffalo nickels with your name on ’em, now how bout a gander at those gams?

I like the backdrop and color scheme for this one. A lot. But if this captain is so fantastic, why couldn’t he get his kids to look at the damned camera when someone’s taking a picture?

Wait, are they hippies? Gross. I retract my previous statement. Also, the halo makes this look a little like a USA-Japan mash-up flag.

“Beanies and Shotguns, a Park Dad Story.”

At least the grasping hands on this one lets us know it’s about zombies.

I’m expecting to see a version of this with Hillary Clinton silhouetted and a six-pointed star over her eyemaking the rounds on all the alt-right blogs.

I’m a little torn on this one, because I will watch basically anything about hunting ex-Nazis (I watch so many Nazi dad shows on the History Channel that I know all the best Doomsday Prepper gear commercials) I feel like we can do a little better than the shattered-mirror-represents-his-fractured-persona thing. If movies were any guide, everyone with a problem would just go around punching mirrors all the time. The guys who replace them would never go out of business.

Mother of God, how big is this shark? That is a scary poster.

“El ganador del Oscar!” That sounds so much better in Spanish.

Anyway, this poster for Free State of Jones really drives home the cruel reality of how hard it must’ve been to keep your sleeves rolled up back in Civil War times. Honestly, that looks miserable. Always futzing with your sleeves when you’re trying to chop wood or load your musket, no thanks.

I included this solely because it makes me say “Estado livre de Yones” in my head and that makes me laugh. “Hola, Mr. Yones. The battle looks cold today, I hope you brought a yacket.”

The way I read the Lady Ghostbusters posters before, they were sort of a gender swap of the old comic book format, where the dudes got to play hero while the ladies looked sexy, with Chris Hemsworth being the sex object. But here it seems they’re hiding all the sexy! Where are his biceps and glutes? Come on, Ghostbusters, where’s the beef?

Girl, you got a lot of gifts, but not being covered up by pointless lens flares ain’t one of them. “Hey, what if we covered up the main character with a weird ugly color scheme and lens flares and changed the landscape to a blank white?”

“Great idea!”

Interesting choice, doing a Rage Against the Machine-style poster for a documentary about a guy with ALS. I guess the diagnosis is the machine he’s raging against and Jesus Christ I’m already depressed.
I read Goat a few years back, and it was pretty good, and all I could think when I heard about the movie version is how pissed I’d be if I wrote a book and then someone bought the rights and decided to use my story as an experiment to see if a Jonas brother could act. Start with a Nicholas Sparks movie and work your way up like everyone else. Strong poster though.

The “acclaimed director of Braveheart and Passion of the Christ, that guy must be– WAIT A SECOND THAT’S MEL GIBSON! I’m actually kind of excited for the rehabilitation of Mel Gibson. Remember a few years back when he was supposed to be in The Hangover 2 — a movie featuring an extended cameo by *convicted* rapist Mike Tyson — and everyone threw a fit and they fired him? Hollywood is so stupid.

Here’s another pretty poster for The Neon Demon. I don’t have much to say about this one that I haven’t said about the other Neon Demon posters, but I did make this:

I am sorry.

Where are they sitting and why is it tilted 45 degrees sideways? Is the bench about to tip over? Skip a meal, Franco.

I want to focus on her lovely legs, but once again I’m distracted by the perspective being tilted inexplicably sideways. …Wait, was I not supposed to be focusing on her legs?

IT’S NOT STREAKING IF YOU’RE WEARING GOD DAMN UNDERPANTS! Ugh, these stupid wussy millennials can’t even party right.

What is she even covering with her right hand? Those underwear cover more than her dress did.

Is part of the plot that they have to take cell phone pics of all these stunts? Because there’s a phone in all of them. I’m going to assume yes. Anyway, Dave Franco’s arms look nice.

This dare seems way milder than the other ones. In fact I’m willing to bet 85% of the people at that house party there were at already have tattoos. Unless it has Guy Fieri’s face on it, I’m not impressed.

Cool art, but why the red dot? Is this a Japanese Western? Seems to be a theme this week. Also, is it just me or does Luke Wilson always look confused?

Everybody was gun shoot fightin… (dee dee dee dee deet deet deet deet dee)
Oh those kids would frown at diamonds…

Have you ever noticed the killers in The Purge are all really good at making masks? It’s like you can’t murder someone unless you went to art school.

Okay, what’s with the girl that’s not even wearing the mask? Is she extra badass? Also, if the killing is legal one day a year and legality was the only obstacle to murder, why the insistence on anonymity? I have a lot of questions about this purge is what I’m saying.

I don’t know what it is about this guy’s face that scares the shit out of me. He looks like a giant. The rest of the poster doesn’t even matter, I just want to know about the giant and who he squashes.

Sideways again! At least they’re flying in this one, so it sort of makes sense. But does the stork always have to have that look on his face?

See, it’s an airplane window, and the plane is sitting in the water. I get it. But does that mean Sully is walking on water? Is that the “untold story,” that Sully is magic? Is that the real “miracle” on the Hudson? I’ll be honest, I had sort of assumed he was just a guy who landed a plane. But I enjoy this trend of Tom Hanks playing all of our famous captains.

I never expected Jonah Hill to look this much like Scarface and I love it.

Is that a Harambe tattoo on James Franco’s shoulder? And who’s the girl, she doesn’t get her name on the poster? Sad. Anyway, of all the roles I’d love to see Bryan Cranston play, “uptight dad” was never one of them. This would be better if James Franco was the uptight son and Bryan Cranston was the wild-eyed badass porking his mom. Yeah that’s right I said porking.

Oh come on! There was a horror movie called The Forest that just came out a few months ago! The posters even had pictures of trees on them! What’s next? The Woodlands? The Copse? The Thicket? Should we just let a thesaurus write these? Who gets excited over a picture of tree trunks and sky? This looks like every arty high schoolers photo project. I want to take this poster designer on a coffee date while she clutches a vinyl record to her chest and we talk about Morrissey.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.