FilmDrunk

This Week In Movie Posters: Jason Bourne Is Back, And He’s Sideways For Some Reason

This week in This Week In Movie Posters opens with Almost Christmas, which seems to star Danny Glover from 20 years ago. What sorcery is this?! This is what Danny Glover looks like these days, by the way:

DannyGlover
Getty Image

I want to know what kind of de-aging Photoshop filter they’re using.

Also, I don’t know which character “DC Young Fly” plays and I refuse to look it up, but in the meantime I like to imagine it’s the teddy bear.

Is this about a fantastical land of beautiful women? Sounds good to me. As long as Sean Connery doesn’t show up in a diaper to ruin everything like in Zardoz. (Ha, “Abigail Titmuss.”)

If you’re wondering what you’re looking at (and I too was confused), Bazodee apparently bills itself as “a Bollywood-style Caribbean musical.” The Indian girl falls for “a rasta singer,” you see.

In any case, the easy way to remember it is that this is Bollywood Step Up, and that guy back there is Rasta C-Tates.

I like to look at this poster from time to time just to remind myself how much beauty there is in the world.

This is a pretty killer hand-painted poster for A24’s De Palma, but is it just me or does Scarface kind of look like Fred Armisen in this?

“The whole world knows the actor in the middle is Rachel Weisz, but we decided to mix the names up so none of them matched because f*ck you.”

Also, couldn’t they have included some kind of award for Timothy Spall, just so his name doesn’t look so naked up there by comparison? Do the old Mitch Hedberg thing if you have to. “Academy Award Winner Rachel Weisz… Academy Award Nominee Tom Wilkinson… Potential Lunch Winner Timothy Spall.”

(It should be noted, Timothy Spall has been nominated for five BAFTAs and won Best Actor at Cannes.)

This is the coolest ampersand I’ve ever seen.

What the hell is that thing next to her head? A teddy bear? Why complicate such a simple image and totally screw up the sexy silhouette? So that we know she has a teddy bear? What use is this information to us? Unless this is about an evil teddy bear that seems like poor design.

“Jason Bourne is back, and he’s sideways for some reason!”

Honestly, why the stupid diagonals? So you could squeeze in some buildings back there underneath his armpit? Truly, I’m asking. I don’t get it.

Anyway, I can’t wait for the Bourne 4nication. “Remember the other three times I had amnesia? Well, I just re-remembered something new again, and this time… it’s personal.”

This one’s diagonal too, but at least it makes sense-ish from this perspective. I’m a little confused by the concept though. Are the helicopters dropping lava in the shape of a question mark to summon Question Mark Man to come save the city (with his comedy)? That seems like a complicated thing to have to do every time you want to summon a superhero. And destructive.

Here we have a Spanish poster for Lights Out. I’m going to go ahead and guess that this one’s about a haunted house. It’s a nice, simple poster design, but all I can really focus on here is how much I enjoy that the Spanish title of The Conjuring is “El Conjuro.” EL CONJURO! That sounds like the name of a flamboyant game show host played by Fred Armisen.

I have mixed feelings about this awful poster for… uh… Mechanic Resurrection? That’s really the title? Anyway, on the one hand, they robbed us of getting to see Jason Statham’s tight bottom. On the other, they gave us Tommy Lee Jones in a ridiculous soul patch, which counts for a lot. I guarantee he’s staring off camera at the stylist, silently promising to strangle him to death as soon as the director calls cut. I fear for the first journalist to ask about Tommy Lee Jones’ soul patch. You think they’ll make him do a press tour for this? My God, can you imagine?

Here we have a cool new poster for Kite Mom.

Is Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children the most Tim Burton title and concept ever conceived? It’s so perfectly Tim Burton that it almost seems like an SNL sketch about Tim Burton movies.

And here we have a character poster for Asa Smit-Butterfield McWiener or whatever this wiener kid’s name is. Does everyone in this movie have a crossbow? I always thought crossbows were kind of like fedoras. One per crew, man. Thems the rules.

Kite Mom, Kite Mom. Flyin’ through the trees, blowin’ in the breeze. Kite Mom. Pull her string, be the wind beneath her dress, Kite Mom. Kite Mom.

Well, it seems Samuel L. Jackson got the cherry Johnny Depp role in this one. When Disney found out Tim Burton didn’t want to direct Alice 2, I bet they were thinking “Well sure, that’s cool, the guy probably needs a change of pace, a chance to do something a little different.”

And then they probably saw this poster and did a full spit take. “Son of a b*tch!”

Here’s a French poster for Disney’s Moana. They tattooed the whole ocean! Is that the deltoid of the sea in the middle there? I have to assume so. Anyway, notice once again that it’s possible to have diagonal lines without just tilting the whole thing sideways for no reason.

Is that kid going to get attacked by a tree monster from a book? There’s a lot going on here. But you had me at Sigourney Weaver and Liam Neeson.

And here’s the portion of This Week In Movie Posters where we speculate why Pete’s Dragon is called Elliot the Dragon in Germany. I like to imagine an uncomprehending German asking why the person whose dragon it is could possibly matter as much as the fact that there was a dragon, over and over, until Disney eventually caved and renamed the movie. “Fine, it’s called Elliot the Dragon now, are you happy?”

“Ja, but who ist Peter?”

What did these dorky kids start that they won’t finish? Jaundice?

Is this edgy because Roseanne butchered the national anthem that one time?

Oh hey there, Blake Lively. More posters should feature Blake Lively in a bikini, I always say. Some days you feel like the shark and some days you feel like Blake Lively.

It seems the villain in Star Trek: Beyond is some kind of humanoid tropical fish. You think she lives on some kind of space reef, where everyone is brightly colored? Or maybe she’s poisonous and her markings are a warning to predators? Probably the second one.

Get it? Because we, the audience, are the baby. I guess. That stork on the upper right has a righteous Dreamworks Face, by the way.

I hope the plot of this is that the storks have accidentally brought too many babies to the world and now they have to eat some of them.

I’m not sure what this style reference is here, with the cartoon/photo mix, but I do enjoy that they’re bringing the Batman sound effects back. You’d think that’d be worth a little ink, but I guess it’s hard to squeeze in with all the stories of Jared Leto’s legendary method acting.

Suicide Squad looks so silly and dumb, and after all the super serious comic book movies lately it actually seems refreshing.

Who are the swallows and the amazons? After last night’s Game of Thrones, all I can think is that the swallows are Lord Baelish. Thought it also sounds, you know, kind of porny. Thus concludes my incendiary takes on the Swallows and Amazons poster.

A Trolls movie? Right on time! All the ’90s kids will be rushing out to see a Troll doll movie with the guy from N’Sync in it. I just hope he and Jimmy Fallon plan a really fun dance for the premiere.

Is that… just a big dirt patch? Interesting use of negative space. Also, I blame the use of “a very true story” on movies like The Conjuring 2 claiming to be “based on a true story.” Because if you can be “based on a true story” and still have a scary zombie nun strangling Vera Farmiga in the trailer, the other true stories are going to have to distinguish themselves somehow. “This is based on a true story, and not the kind where zombie nuns come back from the dead and go around strangling people. This is not that kind of true story at all.”

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

×