FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: ‘Independence Day 2’ Destroys All Of The Landmarks

This week in This Week in Movie Posters, I’m especially happy for alphabetical order, because it means we get to start with this incredible poster for The Accountant, which stars Ben Affleck as a badass accountant. I love the idea that his skills as an accountant are going to help him kill people. And the poster designer brilliantly put log books over his eyes, as if Ben Affleck is playing some kind of Robocop guy whose mastery of accounting helps him calculate the success of a potential head shot. “You don’t know me, but what I can tell you is that I have a particular set of skills. I’m fluent in Excel functions you didn’t even know existed and now I’m going to f*cking kill you.”

Everyone involved with this movie should get a raise.

Fellas, you know how you’ll be hangin out, just trying to have a good time, but then all the ladies in your life are glaring at you because they’re mad about something? Women, am I right?

“Careful what you wish for.” Wait, did someone wish for Nick Jonas to be a movie star? I can’t imagine anyone not on his management team wished for that, but even so, I think that’s more of a “Don’t wish for awful things” than being careful what you wish for situation.

Also, three names, two people on the poster. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DERMOT MULRONEY!?

Hoo boy. If I was going to teach a class about bad movie posters, this would be the one I put on the projector. “So you see, class, sometimes people just turn the horizon line sideways for no good reason.”

I’m not saying the Deepwater Horizon crew aren’t heroes, but I am curious as to how they’re going to make trying to stop a gushing well look cinematic.

These posters are giving me a Daffy Duck vibe. They all look like they accidentally blew themselves up with a bomb meant for Bugs Bunny and now they’re just glaring at the camera.

If I had to choose a list of actors I could never picture doing a dirty, blue collar job, John Malkovich would probably be in the top five. Behind only maybe Kelsey Grammer and Anthony Hopkins.

Kurt Russell on the other hand, can play anything, thanks to his magic Facial hair.

“You guys, come quick! I think this well’s about to burst! I can really feel the vibration! Feel it, feel it!”

This poster seems to illustrate the reason Frank Zappa’s work isn’t more widely known. People who love Frank Zappa just sort of take it as a given that everyone else enjoys Frank Zappa as much as they do, and the rest of us don’t want to admit how little we actually know about Frank Zappa. So whenever they talk about him, we just nod and go along with it. “Oh yeah, I love him! I celebrate his whole catalogue.”

Here’s Matthew McConaughey doing his angry hillbilly face. That pose is all McConaughey though. You could give him any prop and he’d casually put it on his shoulders like that. Baseball bat, golf club, pole vaulting pole, anything. Even when he’s got his best glare face on, his body language still says “just chillin’.”

We always knew they’d come back. What we never banked on was that after 20 years, the special effects would actually look worse.

And now I feel really stupid because I’m not sure which landmark this is.

Big Ben! Big Ben! Phew, at least I knew that one.

Apparently the aliens’ evil plan is to take a very small chunk out of all of our world landmarks.

I like that Lea Skidoo can make cleaning toilets look sexy. She plays a lady who cleans bathrooms and somehow this thing looks as delicious and forbidden as Dangerous Liaisons. I’m sad there’s no tagline though. They missed some great pun opportunities. “Diary of a Chambermaid: Has she got some dirt on you.”

The only Golden Circle I want vexing me is a euphemism for a disgusting sex act. Vex me. Vex me raw.

I like this poster because it looks like no one understands what they’re doing there, and that’s relatable because it’s confusing to us as well.

I also enjoy the quote “Powerful performances from two of Hollywood’s greatest heavyweights.” I’d like to think the full quote was “Powerful performances from two of Hollywood’s greatest heavyweights. Josh Duhamel is there too, in another inoffensive tour de forgettableness from Hollywood’s most trifling trifle. The movie wasn’t even over before I was already getting him confused with Josh Lucas again. Josh Lucas? Josh Jackson? Josh Groban? Mr. Joshua? Who were we talking about again? I already forgot.”

This is a Spanish poster for Mr. Pig, though Señor Pig is just a much better title all around. I have high hopes any time movie stars get paired with a spunky animal, but also, every time Danny Glover gazes off into the sun I just assume it’s a sequel to Grand Canyon. Grand Canyon, Grand Canyon 2, Grand Canyon 3… Grand Canyon, Return Of The Pig.

Look, you don’t need to tell me that a baby elephant is going to win my heart, that was already implied.

“Here’s Morgan Freeman, chained inside a glass case beneath the Southern Ocean, and he couldn’t be more f*cking bored about it.”

I got two things from this poster: 1, magicians have a lot of accessories. 2, Lizzy Caplan proves that it’s possible to do a demure, come-hither lip bit with your legs.

I like the names up top, above a striking image, without mucking it up with floating heads. Because if you know the names, you don’t really need to see actual faces. That being said, who the f*ck is Johnny Simmons?

The Breakfast Club homage totally redeems the pun title. You know who I bet would love this movie? Han Seoul-Oh from Fast/Furious.

Great poster. It’s really not hard to make sharks scary. Just sit back and let the sharks do the work, I always say.

This is kind of like a bad burger with way too much bun. Because if you’ve got a tiny shark on the poster and a gigantic Blake Lively HURRR face that seems like a problem.

My favorite thing about Earth? Probably standing dick deep in amber wheat fields. My least favorite thing about Earth? Probably all the wiener kids. I mean “Asa Butterfield,” “Kodi Smit-McPhee,” who is naming these turds?

Well now I know what a wax mold of Karl Urban would look like.

Damn, is the Enterprise going to have to fight the guitarist for Mudvayne in this one? Well done, these guys would make a terrifying adversary.

They’re lucky this movie is about space, and that the squadron of alien ships looks pretty cool, because otherwise this would be just another hacky diagonal. GRR, LENS FLARE!

Isn’t that the same outfit Fassbender wore in X-Men First Class?

The breast that launched a thousand spaceships.

It looks like that one gorilla wasn’t ready to have his picture taken.

Alexander Skarsgard is squinting so hard in all these Tarzan posters that he makes being sexy seem like hard work. Relax, bro, it’s beefcake, not telekinesis.

Tarzan wears pants now?! BOOOOOO!!!!!!

So back in the day, Todd Solondz made a movie called Welcome to the Dollhouse, with a main character named Dawn Wiener. 20 years later, he’s made a sequel, sort of, only it’s about an actual wiener dog. I had to look that up, because at first I thought the dog was just a visual pun. Nope. Actually about a dog.

Remember when I said I’d show that Collide poster in my class about bad posters? Now it’s got some competition. I like that this one has your usual, sexy dancin’ couple in the foreground (diagonal for no reason, as one does), but the twist is that this time, someone has a gun for some reason! I hope the treatment was just those exact words.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

×