Another week, another tepid offering of streaming films, I wish Fred Netflix would stop squandering the family fortune. I’ve added in some paid titles because I know most of my audience is upper-middle class with oodles of disposable income.
Top Netflix Film of the Week
Along Came Polly
Phil Seymour Hoffman does some actual acting in this romantic comedy. I don’t remember it being exactly good, but Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller are pretty watchable, in the same way that a bowl of pasta is pretty edible. Aniston is the most vanilla super attractive lady of our time, although Horrible Bosses has helped her Q rating. And I heard she didn’t wear makeup in a film recently. I don’t like to throw around the word “hero” but …
Top Netflix Repeat of the Week
To be fair, we talked about this one in July of ’14. I don’t know why they told me it was out again, maybe the automated publicist bot is acting up. So let’s update for relevance, shall we? What do you make of that new trailer for Focus? I really want to like it, to pretend like February might offer something other than pain, but then my intellect kicks in and laughs and laughs. The trailers make Focus out to be a funny-sexy-actiony-heist-drama. Sure, that’s totally possible! Anyway, Hitch is fine if you believe in the archaic idea that men are attracted to women.
Top Netflix Horror of the Week
Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead (Coming Soon to Netflix)
The first one was good, yeah? I don’t know why I’m always looking for affirmation. Screw you guys for making me feel that way. I don’t really watch horror films, because I have night terrors when I do. They should hook up the Paranormal cameras up to me. I’d give ’em a show. When this comes out on Netflix I think people will guzzle it up. It has a 7.1 on IMDB and they don’t just throw their ratings around willy nilly. Plus the official untranslated title is Dod sno 2 and that’s about as punk rock as you can get without playing in the Ramones.
Top Amazon Prime of the Week
“The Man in the High Castle” (Amazon Prime Only)
I enjoyed this, it posits a world where the Allies lost World War II. I didn’t want the Nazis to win or anything, but it was interesting to see them being jerks even a couple decades later. The West Coast (Best Coast) is controlled by the Japanese, they seem a little cooler about the whole thing, although they are gunning people down in the streets too. At least they teach Americans Aikido? I don’t know. I guess it’s the little things in life.
Top Paid Steaming of the Week
John Wick (Amazon, $4.99)
A very fun movie once you get past the dog dying. You may think that’s a spoiler, but you’ll want to be emotionally prepared, trust me. J-Wick, as his pals call him, is a complete baller in this film. He kills people like you or I eat cheese. Instantly.
Another Paid Steaming of the Week
Dear White People (Amazon, $4.99)
Not actually a comedy, and not fully directed at white people. More of a think piece wrapped up in typical marketing, actually. Cool, right?
Top Paid Unintentional Comedy of the Week
Best of Me (Amazon, $4.99)
This movie is hilariously bad. I believe there’s technically some incest, and I know for a fact that there’s some terrible acting. Pretty sure this is the film where Cyclops has this awful dad who tries to murder him. If I had a dime … You can’t imagine how terrible this is, because your imagination instinctively makes things nicer for you. The gal in this, Liana Liberato, seems like a nice person who got mixed up with the wrong movie crowd. Plus, as a fellow LL, she’s elgible for dating once she turns old enough to pound scotch whisky. It’s gonna be a suspenseful couple of months!