This Week In Netflix And Streaming: ‘Jade,’ ‘The Wolf of Wall Street,’ And ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’

As I sandbagged last week, I get to bring you some solid titles this week too! That’s using my head for something more than a hat rack, eh?

Top Netflix Streaming of the Week
I remember watching this with a lady friend’s parents, David Caruso (making his big transition to movies!) railing that special lady against a wall. Lemme tell you brother, that was not the most comfy moment. No one flinched, with the unspoken agreement being we’d all repress the moment as soon as humanely possible. For me, I’m going on a couple decades of scars, plus I never got to do that move from the movie myself on the daughter. Tough sledding. Man, that David Caruso. What a talent.

Top Netflix Streaming Downward Spiral of the Week
The Village
This film has its supporters, and it featured Oscary folks such as Joaquin Phoenix, Adrien Brody, and someone else. Personally, I was over the “Shyamalan Reveal” after the first couple films, but then I’m a trendsetter, aren’t I? Don’t answer, rhetorical question. Now Shyamalan is panhandling for change, but he could have turned it around at any moment. Never forget that guys, life lesson.

Top Netflix Streaming Moore is More of the Week
G.I. Jane
Demi Moore was ripped in this movie, and the guys, the military guys, were super mad at her. But guess what, she gains their respect, surprising no one! I wish Demi Moore would have been in Zero Dark Thirty on the SEAL team. Trivia, SEAL means SEa Air and Land. Yeah, they cheated somewhat on SEa, but if you are that existentially terrifying I give you plenty of leeway. Worth noting ladies still aren’t in the SEALS, I don’t even think they’re on the support teams, though I’m sometimes wrong. Years later, Demi remains the yet unrealized pull-up icon.

Top Netflix Streaming Selleck of the Week
An Innocent Man
I don’t know anything about this film, I just wanted to make you listen to the Billy Joel song. With my admittedly lazy and apathetic research, I turned up the news that Tom Selleck (Three Men and a Little Lady) was in the starring role. He was probably the innocent one. Out of respect, here’s the synopsis from Wikipedia:

James “Jimmie” Rainwood (Tom Selleck) is an ordinary and model citizen: happily married to his beautiful wife Kate (Laila Robins), has a modest home in Long Beach, California, works as an American Airlines engineer, drives a classic Pontiac Trans Am and pays his bills.

Huh. I’m not sure that tells us much. It has a 29 percent rating on RottenTomatoes, it’s probably not very good.

Top Netflix Streaming “Art” of the Week
American Beauty
You could call me a “fan”, but not rabid. Is there a place where rabies is still a thing? The Kevin Spaceyness presented throughout is just great. The fast food drive-thru, the rampant improper flirting with a zygote, the aborted makeout sesh with Chris Cooper, yes please. Thora Birch had a moment in this film, and I think the Wes Bentley kid went off to get hooked on drugs. However, happy ending, he’s okay now! I’ll always consider this the “lesser Magnolia” from 1999, but if it had come out a different year I’d likely be on the front lines of marching on Washington in support for American Beauty.

Top Paid Streaming Marine Mammal of the Week
Dolphin Tale 2 (Amazon, $2.99)
Okay, I JUST realized that the “tale” actually is a double entendre for the dolphin’s “tail”. Seriously. I just thought they meant “dolphin movie”. They really hid that one in plain site! Speaking of, any Miami Dolphins fans out there? They continue to makka me sad. I wish they’d get a new “tale”, both story and method of propulsion. As for this, I’m almost certain Morgan Freeman reprised his role as “Red” and “Driver for Ol’ Daisy” here. Destined to be on TBS in about 45 seconds.

Top Paid Streaming of the Week
Guardians of the Galaxy (Google Play, $4.99)
Well, hell, I liked it. Maybe it’s because I’m a nerd! Ha, no, only frackin’ wit’ ya, everyone is a “nerd” at this point, even Wolves of Wall Street. I think what I enjoyed was the lack of template, or if there was a template, it at least was a slightly different one. This is a moderately disparate entry into the Godforsaken “multiverse”. This film took itself a little less seriously, and I don’t mean the moments of Iron Man levity followed by ACTION STUFF. This one continued with the (admittedly massively corporate) irreverence. Worth a look.

Top Paid “Yeah, but” of the Week
Wolf of Wall Street (Amazon, $14.99 ***UPDATE: IT’S FREEEEEEEEE***)
For fifteen bucks I’ll bring you a real stack of some debauchery, but we should at least think about this movie for a spell. I was one of the detractors here, I just felt if you’re going to embrace the insanity, American Psycho style, then you also have to own that. Don’t give me this “no, it’s actually a message movie, see?”. It’s not, unless the message is Margot Robbie can hang out in my trailer anytime. How many actual top 1 percent women has Leo DiCaprio dropped like a bad habit, and I mean IRL, I know this movie isn’t real. Except for the Matt McConaughey part. Anyhow, tying the ramble up, I don’t begrudge Scorsese embracing his inner old man perv, I just think he should fly that flag with pride. There’s no shame there, the only disconnect is when you also want “greater good” accolades. I mean, c’mon, don’t sell me a bicycle and then run me down with your Porsche 911.

That’s all for now. Still love you guys!

Laremy is on Twitter. and probably would ask Margot to call him “Uncle” instead.