Welcome to ROCKTOBER! That’s what me and my friends call it, it’s meant to evoke and infuse a feeling of “rock” into the normally pretty dull month of October. You can use it too if you’d like, but fair warning, not everyone gets off on cool stuff like that. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it into a panda. On that profound note, let’s get into the Netflix Streaming column, guaranteed to please both you and your lovers.
Top Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
Killing Them Softly
I was the one who liked this film. [Vince’s Note: False, I liked it and Laremy just copied me. Sometimes I wonder if Laremy is even real, or if he’s just an upside down mop with a name tag on it that I keep behind the jack-off couch.] I like Scoot McNairy, heck, I like guys named after informal present tense verbs just in general. It’s a pretty dark film, but, you know, the sun is going down really early these days. I wrote this about it:
Audiences hated the message, totally fair, but I enjoyed the low budget practical effects and the concentrated grimy setting. Plus, Ray Liotta. How can you not love that guy, especially paired with Brad Pitt and James Gandolfini?
Do I stand by my words? I do. I stand by my words.
Streamability: If you don’t already hate it, then consider hating it anew, for me, the Poobah of Streaming.
Top Netflix Memory of the Week (streaming)
Searching for Bobby Fischer
I don’t think there was a kid in America who didn’t see this and figure, “Well, I know what Imma do, Imma become a chess grand master at a precocious young age, and then Ben Kingsley will be my road dog.” The title is a bit misleading, because an actual search for Bobby Fischer should have started at the loony bin. Still, when the real Bobby was 13-years-old, he pulled off this game, where he sacrificed a queen, basically impossible, and still vanquished his opponent.
Totally boss, no wonder he went crazy. Brains aren’t supposed to work like that. After seeing this movie I launched my own fledgling chess career, which basically ended with me being ranked approximately 1600 points lower than a Grand Master. But what a noble dream it was.
Streamability: If you haven’t seen it, definitely. If you have, probably.
Actual Top Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
Team America: World Police
A film that only gets funnier, with the downside being you won’t be able to listen to the director’s commentary on Netflix (that I know of). There’s some chance that Parker and Stone are the funniest folks of our generation, though we rarely see them dip into actual mainstream culture. Still, you put “Book of Mormon”, Team America, and the “South Park” episode about James Cameron up against just about any body of work and you’re coming out a winner.
Streamability: So funny, so quotable. Except for the fecal matter scene. That one still haunts me.
Top Netflix Disaster of the Week (streaming)
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
It’s easy to pick on Justin Bieber these days, so that’s precisely what we’re going to do. When will we watch this movie? Never! When do we hope he makes another one? Never! In ten years, will his current fans look back on their choices with shame and derision!? Yes! These artists come along once every ten years, and they are always horrible to everyone who is not in the precious little girl phase of their upbringing. We all roll our eyes, but maybe this sense of alienation is precisely what draws the youngsters to awful music choices, because this gets to be their thing alone. I have no idea, this is just a Netflix column, I just know I hate this kid with the passion of a thousand suns. Which probably isn’t fair, or justified, especially given THAT I like Meatloaf (the singer AND the food).
Top Netflix Del Toro of the Week (streaming)
I didn’t see this, but that’s no reason I can’t talk about it as though I’m an authority. It has pretty middling fan and critic reviews, meaning you should probably only guzzle it if you’re a Del Toro (meaning “of the bull”) completist. I am not.
Streamability: It came out in 2003. Does anyone remember it? What loopy, slightly intoxicated person is making these deals for Netflix?
Top Netflix Oscar Nominated of the Week (streaming)
Rumor on the street was this wasn’t as bad as you would have thought, because you’re pretty negative. Fun exercise: if you type “Bad Grandpa” into the ol’ movie database and hit enter, it comes up with “Bad Girls Club”. I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds a lot like Vince’s Match.com profile. The way to find the film is by typing “Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa”. It’s all about branding guys, especially if the alternative if people finding your movie. [Vince’s Note: Nothing in the movie can compare to the final scene, but sort of like the opening scene of Super Troopers, it makes the rest of the film worthwhile. Also, it was mean of Laremy to use a Tommy Lee Jones movie so close to “Bad Grandpa.”]
Streamability: Who doesn’t want to watch an Oscar nominated film? No, seriously. It was nominated for makeup.
Top Paid Title of the Week
Transformers: Age of Extinction (Google, $3.99)
A movie that really should have been seen on the big screen, unless you’ve got a TV as big as an electric car. This was the best of the Transformers series, pretty much the definition of damning with faint praise. Still, you often hear, “just plain fun”, or “made me feel like a kid again!” which can only lead to the conclusion that people are the worst, and for some reason need their childhoods back. Weirdos.
Streamability: I say to see it, for archival purposes. If the aliens take over, we’ll need a spokesman to talk about this film.
That’s all for now. Love you guys!
Laremy is on Twitter and has a TV as big as a sea turtle.