This Week In Netflix And Streaming: ‘Roseanne’, ‘Maze Runner’, and ‘Breastmilk’

Top Netflix Streaming of the Week
Marco Polo
This show hasn’t gotten very kind reviews, but what do critics know anyway? They just sit there in their ivory towers with their 2004 Honda Civics and JUDGE. The judgment should be left to the people, and the People’s Choice Awards. Queen Latifah and Adam Sandler FTW. As far as this show goes, I may give the first episode a watch to see if I can stomach it. I really miss “Game of Thrones”, so if this replaces even 10 percent of that gem then it will be worth it. The best way to watch this would be poolside, while yelling out the name of the show while you hid from people.

Top Netflix Memory of the Week (streaming)
The Roseanne Collection
There’s a lot more harmonica followed by blues saxophone than I remember. Looking back, it’s weird that John Goodman became John Goodman here … while everyone else became, well, not much. Roseanne lost her mind and the other folks clearly peaked hardcore with “Roseanne”. Unless I’m forgetting someone, which, if I am, you guys will definitely remind me of in the most derisive way possible. Much like Roseanne and Dan, we have a complicated relationship. And don’t give me Sara Gilbert or Sandra Berhard either. Keep that week stuff outta my comment section. I may accept Sarah Chalke or George Clooney, but only if you can recall a specific line of dialogue they uttered. Follow-up: Did this show portend, using entrails, the show “Mike & Molly”? I haven’t caught up on my watching of that one just yet, but there’s a long weekend ahead of me.

Top Netflix Disaster of the Week
My Little Pony Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks

Canterlot High is hosting a musical showcase and the My Little Pony’s: Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy are going to be performing with their new band, The Rainbooms.

Hey, I have a question – where in SAM HELL are the ponies?! They replaced them with something called an “Equestria Girl”? Do these chicks even own ponies? I’m so confused. This is like a G.I. Movie called G.I. Joe: Spoiled Teens Instead

Top Netflix “Maybe” of the Week
I’ve heard good things here, but then I went and looked up the IMDB fan rating and it’s the same as “Marco Polo”. Maybe the people suck as well, or perhaps the limited sample size for “Marco Polo” makes it an unfair comparison. I don’t know, and I’m not here to teach you statistics, I’m here to write a bunch of words to keep getting that Chobani money. In general, British shows tend to be better than ours, though that could be because only the good ones make it this far. Maybe they have their own set of horrible shows, like the finale of “Newsroom”, that they’re too ashamed to export. Man, there were an awful lot of caveats in this paragraph, my bad.

Top Netflix Documentary of the Week

Taking on a controversial medical issue, this revealing documentary examines the broad spectrum of beliefs regarding infant breast-feeding. Mothers, fathers, doctors and breast-feeding advocates provide valuable insights on the topic.

I didn’t think I was the squeamish type. But no, it turns out I am. I really am. Even the poster sort of weirded me out, bringing back memories of The Gathering all over again. It’s not that I don’t know my way around the lady anatomy (heyooooooo), I think it’s more that babies freak me out in general. I mean, they are so little, and they don’t speak English yet. Hey you guys, there’s some chance I’m a xenophobe mixed with a dairy allergy.

Top Paid Title of the Week
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ($3.99)
It wasn’t all bad, and there’s now something oddly soothing about seeing Megan Fox. It’s like you’re sitting on your porch, in the rocking chair, pipe lit and cap sitting gently on your knee, fondly remembering when she tore up Transformers by bending over a car, lithe and inviting, more midriff exposed than a something that exposes midriff. Since then she’s been rather exposed as a one-midriff-pony, but there was a time when she seemed like she could fix your car AND change your oil if you get my midriff. Removing you from your porch, and back to the movie, I thought the CGI here was pretty nice, and I too love pizza. I think for youngsters you could do worse. Which leads me to …

Top Paid Nightmare of the Week
Maze Runner ($4.99, Amazon)
I can’t envision a scenario in which I watch this, unless you follow some weird religion that dooms me to watching this for eternity because I follow a football team that hasn’t made the Super Bowl in 30 years. I’d surmise this is a movie, like all YA movies, about how parents just don’t understand that all young people are special flowers so long as they get to really be themselves and shine. Not enough YA movies show kids as cogs in my opinion. Someone should get on that.

Top Paid Bateman of the Week
This is Where I Leave You ($3.99)
I enjoyed this book, but it’s clearly man-lit, where you get to be all depressed and yet still get frisky with ladies from your past and future. This is not a real world we live in, we just dip in there occasionally. This also received tepid and lukewarm reviews, it feels like the sort of thing I’ll play in the background on HBO as I write my manifesto (10,000 pages and going STRONG!).

That’s all for now. Love you guys!

Laremy is on Twitter and is just as pleased as punch about the weather outside.