This Week In Movie Posters: Beauties, Beasts, Monsters, Trucks, And ‘xXx’

Welcome back to This Week In Posters, everyone’s favorite weekly poster feature on the internet. This is one of the best crops of posters I’ve seen since I started doing this feature. We begin with this new poster for the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie.

Disney’s first posters for Beauty and the Beast were nice, but cryptic (great teasers, basically). They’re laying more of their cards on the table with this one, and my, look at all the wonderful mustaches! Why, there’s Kevin Kline, and Ian McKellen, and hey, is that Stanley Tucci? How delightfu– GOD DAMMIT I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO TRY TO SNEAK JOSH GAD PAST ME AGAIN!

It seems like every damned party you’ll be strolling along, making small talk, having a grand old time when BOOM! Josh Gad pops out from behind the punch bowl to do some card tricks. Then you’re stuck there humoring him for 20 minutes, with his desperate fake laugh thing, while that girl you like gets chatted up by a handsome sailor. LEAVE ME ALONE, JOSH GAD, I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE!

My God, feast your eyes upon this glorious creation. Even in a week with a new Quintuple X poster I think this latest from Monster Trucks is still my favorite. They’re really owning it, aren’t they? I mean, I don’t know what it is they’re owning, but they’re definitely owning it. This poster really has everything. A monster. A truck. A handsome guy. A girl. A horse. A wheelchair. Some birds. Welding. A wrench. They couldn’t have fit an army guy back there, maybe a banana split? It’s like they wrote the script by picking random words out of the dictionary.

Oh hell yeah, I can’t wait to see this Catholic prayer action movie that’s super violent and totally not homoerotic. UNITED BY BLOOD. DIVIDED BY FEAR. HORNED UP FROM ALMOST KISSING. BIG HEARTS, DICKS FULL, KILL KILL KILL!

Ah yes, boy meets girl, girl’s disapproving father meets boy, comedy ensues — you know, that old story. Isn’t this just Why Him? with a different cast? I mean, a better cast, to be sure. I love Bryan Cranston, but when it comes to belittling hippies J.K. Simmons has no peer. Anyway, this movie looks dumb, but at least they lined up the faces with the names. A three-piece suit? He’ll never understand my banjo!

“In 1912, eight people were brutally murdered in their house. This is their house.”

OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE REAL MURDER HOUSE? A horror movie about a house where murders happened, why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? And based on a true story to boot? Well, I can see why this was greenlit, that’s for sure. Next you’ll tell me there’s a creepy little kid and some haunting music.

Office Space meets Battle Royale.”

Well this gets points for selling a coherent concept, that’s for sure (also, how does We Got This Covered get quoted on every poster? has anyone ever actually read We Got This Covered? They’re like the Big Bang Theory of websites). And it’s sure to please the people who scream “This is just a ripoff of Battle Royale!” every time someone brings up The Hunger Games. Those people must be exhausted, I’m pretty sure 90% of sci-fi books involve a Battle Royale situation these days.