This Week in Posters: Robot Boxers Have Ewok Hands

THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Happy Memorial Day to all, I hope you’re out in the sunlight doing things that well-adjusted people do on holidays.  In case you’re not, here’s the rundown of this week’s movie posters to project some dim light on the wall of your cave.  Hey, do you ever think your boss sucks?  Maybe one day you should just burn that place to the ground.  Hypothetically speaking.
Real Steel.  Shawn Levy’s much-anticipated, in-a-movie-about-robot-boxing-at-its-core-it’s-an-incredibly-human-story film Real Steel has a new poster.  Yes, Hugh Jackman is in this, but who cares?  The important thing is that the robot boxers have two-fingered Ewok hands. Market research tells us we’ll sell more toys this way.

“Champions aren’t born. They’re made.”
Are bowel movements born?  Or are they made?  Discuss.
[via ComingSoon]

The Tempest, Russian poster.
Here we have the Russian poster for Julie Taymor’s (TURN OFF THE DARK!) The Tempest. And it burns burns burrrrrns, that ring of fiyaaaaaah…..  I honestly don’t know whether this poster is NSFW or not, because I can’t tell whether that shirtless entity is male or female.  It’s either a lady who’s done some solid ab work, or a dude who’s got some dainty little puffy man titties.  Don’t go to prison, dude. (Incidentally, “Dainty Little Puffy Man Titties” is my pet name for Burnsy).

African Cats, German poster.
Google Translate tells me the title just means “In the Field of Big Cats,” but there’s something fitting about seeing “Disney” and “Reich” in the same poster.

Bad Teacher.
The marketing department was so clever to release the red-band trailer first, so we’d know what this movie really was before the safe-for-TV version pulled the bait and switch (bad, PG-trailers killed Hall Pass and probably Your Highness too).
But then they had to go and release the old diagonal chalkboard poster.  Nothing says “zany” like diagonals.  EVERYTHING’S CROOKED! WHAT A COMICALLY TERRIBLE TEACHER!  THOSE KIDS WILL BE WALKING OUT OF THERE WITH STIFF NECKS LOL!

Cars 2, German posters.
As if we needed it further established that Cars is by far the lamest Pixar product, we’ve got a new poster that combines Dreamworks face, gratuitous diagonals, and Marmaduke-esque sunglass pimping. Oh, sunglasses, will you ever stop making things look cool?
Yes, I know they’re supposed to be 3D glasses. Shut up.

Achtung, kinder!  Haff you ewer vanted to vear za sunglasses indoors like za movie schtar Bradley Pitt, or za famous schinger, David Hasselhoff?  Now you have za chance!  Schtarring Oven Vilson oont Larry Za Cable Mensch.

Here we have the poster for Colombiana, the latest entry into the “hot chick assassin’s” canon. Not to get too Freudian on this, but I think we can all assume what the gooey petals of that flower represent.  “Revenge is beautiful.”  As in, don’t peel back the gooey labes on this flower, boys, unless you want to get KILLED TO DEATH IN THE FACE! VAGINA POWER!

Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop.
I know this is supposed to humanize him, but frankly, it’s this kind of incompetence that lost him his talk show.

The Descendants.

Dolphin Tale.
If you haven’t been keeping up with my coverage of this film, you need to go back and educate yourself right this second.  IT’S ABOUT A DOLPHIN WHO INSPIRES WOUNDED WARRIORS, BUT ONLY WITH THE HELP OF MARINE BIOLOGIST HARRY CONNICK JR!  As for the poster, it looks like Morgan Freeman is trying to sell me oats, or a delicious honey barbecue sauce.
This seems as good a time as any to re-post this gif:


World on a Wire.
It’s the minimalist poster for the re-release of Rainer Werner Fassbinder’s 1973 cult classic World on a Wire. I’ve never seen it, so I don’t know what the implied Venn Diagram is supposed to represent, but it did remind of this Vin Diagram.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.
I hate kids with hair covering their ears.  They always remind me of feral children and I feel like I should kick them to the ground before they try to bite me.  Is that weird?  No one wants to get bitten by a ginger.  That’s how you get freckles.
Ooh, there’s a snake in that fire. I hope it slithers around eating cars.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2.
Here’s the character poster for Matthew Lewis as, that’s right, Neville Longbottom, the pure-blood Gryffindor soldier in Dumbledore’s Army.  Now turn around so I can wedgie you for knowing that.

Harry Potter – Voldemort.
Pretty cool poster.  Though it could use more Voldemort Cat.

Johnny English Reborn.
Now here’s a pretty straightforward poster.  It’s got Rowan Atkinson making a silly face in it, so at least it knows its target audience.

A Little Help (trailer).
Hmm, I haven’t heard of this movie before, it looks like it might be pretty goo– AW GODDAMMIT A PETE HAMMOND QUOTE ABOVE THE TITLE? F*CK YOU.
Also, “a terrific gem of a performance?”  And this man is a professional writer?  That sounds like something my great aunt would say in an email (notice how “gem” is a pointless metaphor when applied to a performance, and “terrific” is a useless adjective when applied to “gem”?).  Pete Hammond should sign off all his reviews “hugs and kisses, Pete.”

Longhorns (trailer).
Nice tagline.  But it’s a movie.  Starring actors.  I’m pretty sure we could do the “and a few queers” math.  It’s redundant, like an Obama sticker on your Prius.

Beers, steers…and a couple of queers. The Eighties come roaring back in this risqué and sexy comedy involving a group of Texas frat-boys, a remote cabin in the Hill Country and lots of beers, that will give “ride ’em cowboy” a whole new meaning! [IMDB]

From the makers of “Bear City” and “Fruit Fly.”  Seriously question, is this a gay porn?  …Okay, I just watched the trailer.  I’m pretty sure it is.

The Perfect Age of Rock N Roll.
Thank goodness I know that… all of these people are in it.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this might not be coming to a theater near you.

It appears to be a riff on the Breakfast Club poster where a few of the cliques aren’t represented by Caucasian people.  Yeah, whatever, Commie.

Sarah’s Key. [via ComingSoon]
I know nothing about this movie, but the poster makes for some awesome photoshopping.

OUR PLANET WAS ALREADY BLUE, YOU ASSH*LE SMURFS!  Also, does anyone else find their eyes super-duper creepy? Like anime porn creepy.

Still in pre-production, Antonio is actually directing this one, “a sci-fi/thriller centered on a Spanish colonel suffering from trauma,” according to IMDB.  It’s always a little weird to see Antonio Banderas looking pretty much the same as he did ten years ago when Melanie Griffiths looks like a plastic surgery cautionary tale. Sorry, there was really no nice way to say that.

Super 8.
JJ Abrams is brilliant for keeping the details of this one super secret until the last minute.  It makes people think “ooh, I wonder what it’s about!”, when otherwise they’d probably be thinking, “Hey, didn’t they already make this movie 12 times in the 80s?”
[via Movieline]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn.
Get it?  It’s dawn breaking.  No, that’s fine, poster designer guy, don’t feel like you have to break a sweat.  What, are you being chased?  TAKE SOME TIME!  /Patton Oswalt reference.
This feels like a dentist’s office poster.

What’s Your Number?
Last but not least, we have the poster for What’s Your Number.  Hmm, do we have any decent pictures of Anna Faris? Nah, just use the one where she looks like a cross-eyed raggedy Anne.

[All posters via IMPA except where otherwise noted]