This Week in Posters: 30 Minutes or Less, Paul Blart: Zookeeper

THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, much like previous weeks, had posters.  Peruse them at your leisure on the following pages.
30 Minutes or Less. Aw, you had me at “a guy in a gorilla mask wearing a Metallica shirt.” But the flame thrower was a nice touch. Pretty ballsy that the guy under the gorilla mask is Danny McBride and they don’t even mention it.  Not necessarily smart, but ballsy.  Here’s the trailer for that.  So far, so good.
[via YahooMovies]

And here’s the other half of the poster, featuring the good guys, Jesse Eisenberg and Aziz Ansari.  Nothing special, but I guess with a wild premise like this, you can sort of just lay it out there.  Still, a couple lens flares would’ve been nice, or at least a rom-com lean.
[also via YahooMovies]
Zoe Saldana plays the ever-popular “badass female assassin,” in a film by Transporter 3 director Olivier Megaton, who has the coolest name in Hollywood.  “Olivier Megaton” makes “Vin Diesel” sound like “Kip Wiener.” As for the poster, I believe it was Freud who once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and other times a gun is tall man’s chode penis slapping against your forehead.”

So Roland Emmerich, a director best known for filming actors reacting to giant green screen explosions, made a film about whether Shakespeare’s plays were actually written by Shakespeare.  The trailer had swordfights, burning buildings, and cannons, but I can see how the graphic designer might have been confused into thinking he was doing a poster about costumes and ink.
[via FirstShowing]

Bach from the Dead.
On the subject of action movies about historical figures, the guys at Bach from the Dead sent me the poster for their film about Johann Sebastian Bach. To their credit, unlike Emmerich, they seem to be in on the joke.


This one’s a documentary about a real-life horse whisperer, and the poster doesn’t do much to make it sound more interesting than that. But I’m going to continue pretending that there was an “Uncle” in the title.  (*spraypaints JOHN CANDY’S NOT DEAD on bus stop*)

Cars 2.
That whole batch of Cars 2 character posters is back, this time in English.  The Dreamworks Face, it burns!

Well at least the Asian cars aren’t yellow.

The french poster still features a buck-toothed rapist though.
Oct-TOW-berfest, because he’s a tow truck, get it?  Okay, that was kind of cute.  Plus I enjoy the implied alcoholism.
“Ka-ciao”?  I don’t even know what that’s supposed to be a reference to.  “Kapow?”  “Kakow?”  Also, and I don’t mean to be crude here, but their faces look like they’re about to go butt f*ck in the nearest men’s room.

Shouldn’t “Tokyo Drifter” be the towtruck? He’s the one who looks homeless.  This isn’t even a double entendre.  For shame.

Father’s Day.
It’s a Troma release, so there’s a good chance none of us will ever see it, but even in 2011 I’m embarrassed to say that I’m still intrigued by a sexy lady smooshing her breast with her arm.  I guess there’s some other stuff going on in this poster as well.

The Art of Getting By.

Apparently this is a movie.  I’m not looking it up.  Emma Roberts is pretty.  That is all.

I didn’t believe the poster could have a more Jesus Didn’t Tap vibe than the trailer, but then BOOM!  They go with “HEAVY METAL GOES MEDIEVAL” as the tagline.  And you know what happens when heavy metal goes medieval, don’t you?  Bodies hit the floor, obviously.

Life in a Day.
Here’s the Russian poster for Life in a Day, the massive found-footage documentary created from YouTube clips.  I’m a lot more interested now that I know there’s an excited Russian man eating a watermelon in it.

Here’s the UK poster for the same film.  This one looks reminds me of the first teasers for The Social Network, which was just footage of people updating their Facebook statuses, but they put an epic kids choir behind it so it felt all life-affirming.  Cool poster, but tell me more about this Excited Russian Man Eating a Watermelon.  He steals the film, from what I hear.

The Polish poster for Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia (trailer).  Knowing what I know about Von Trier, and what I know about Polish movie posters, I was expecting this to be about a thousand times more weird.

Page One.
Page One is of course the documentary about a year inside the New York Times.  Typical old media, thinking people still come to movie posters to read.  No wonder they’re going out of business.
[via Movieline]
Oh, sunglasses, do you ever fail to make old concepts hip and cool again?

The Future.

Well la di da, I’m Miranda July. You might as well not know what my movie’s about.  It’s probably too smart for you anyway.

What’s Your Number.

Having seen the trailer, I know this movie looks pretty terrible, but I have to applaud the copywriter for so planting the word “sex” in my head without actually writing it.

X-Men, French poster.
X-Men poster designer guy is determined to ride these diagonal angles into the ground.  Other brilliant guidelines displayed here: make sure the girl with the cleavage is farthest from the camera, put the guys with the oddly-Photoshopped faces up front. Make sure the pretty girl in the Mystique makeup is in full blue-skin, Nic Cage hairline mode.  Perfect.

Paul Blart: Zookeeper.

This is a film in which zoo animals teach Kevin James dating advice.  I refuse to acknowledge that “Paul Blart” is not in the title.

The Ledge.

A thriller in which a battle of philosophies between a fundamentalist Christian and an atheist escalates into a lethal battle of wills.

The last poster made it look like a rom-com, so I guess this Hitchcock homage is a little more apt.  Look at old Terrence Howard up there on the right.  He looks like he’s about to break into a scat poem about the proper use of baby wipes.

[Posters via IMPA]