This Week In Posters: August 29th, 2014

This week in posters is back! Hey, did you know it’s the 17th anniversary of the fictional Judgement Day from Terminator 2 today? I don’t know why I bring that up, but there it is.

First up, we’ve got All This Mayhem, from Vice Films. This one is supposedly about “skating’s most notorious brothers,” which immediately made me think, “Wait, who are skating’s two most notorious brothers? Jeez, I really need to see this movie and find out before I look stupid in front of all my cool skater friends!”

Some cursory IMDBing tells us it’s about Tas and Ben Pappas. I still don’t know who they are, but dropping Senna and Exit Through The Gift Shop only whets my appetite to find out. Sidenote, you notice you never hear anyone use “whet” in any other context? Which is sort of dumb since it’s supposed to describe knives. Having a “whet” appetite makes about as much sense as whet panties. Moving on…

“A blast of pure cinema” is the kind of quote they love to put on posters, even though it doesn’t really mean anything. Quick, can anyone tell me, substantively, what a “blast of pure cinema” would entail? Would a blast of pure cinema make a noise? Could it penetrate heavy armor? Can you light it, like a fart?

Anyway, based on the poster, I’m going to assume that “bird people” is about some maid from a foreign land living near an airport, and she calls the pilots “bird people” in her charmingly naive third world Nell tongue that didn’t leave room for words like “pilot” and “computer,” even thought it has 27 words for dirt.

Was I close?

An American arrives in Paris, checks into a hotel, turns off his cell phone and starts his life anew.

Dang, not really.

But by the way, I enjoy the Aaron Sorkin idea that turning off your cell phone or not tweeting will automatically make you a more substantive person. Right, it’s technology‘s fault you’re boring, that’s it.

Incidentally, “The Cobbler” is another Sandler-Gets-Serious flick, to go along with Men, Women, and Children. Since “leave your life in someone else’s shoes” is like a scab in my brain I can’t stop picking at – how do you leave your life in someone else’s shoes? Why doesn’t that person have their shoes? Are they abandoned shoes? Is my life going to get stepped on when they come back to put on their shoes? – here’s the official rundown:

Max Simkin repairs shoes in the same New York shop that has been in his family for generations. Disenchanted with the grind of daily life, Max stumbles upon a magical heirloom that allows him to step into the lives of his customers and see the world in a new way. Sometimes walking in another man’s shoes is the only way one can discover who they really are. Starring Adam Sandler, Cliff “Method Man” Smith, Ellen Barkin, Melonie Diaz, Dan Stevens, Fritz Weaver, Yul Vazquez, Steve Buscemi and Dustin Hoffman.

Yeah, it must be a real grind being a cobbler, what with trying to repair shoes for the three human beings a year who take their shoes to a cobbler. Maybe he moonlights practicing medicine with leeches and trepanning? Anyway, this comes from Win Win director Tom McCarthy, and that synopsis reminds me of Frotcast Bret’s famous quote, “I guess magical realism is the new hot garbage.”

“Son, someday the white man will come to kill us all and name cars and helicopters after us.”

I don’t have much to say about this poster, but I can tell you this: fictional native Americans sure do love them some horizons. If you gave a choice between firewater and staring solemnly into the distance, I’m not sure which they’d choose. Crazy for them both, they are.

Okay, okay, here’s the actual synopsis:

After his tribe is slaughtered through an act of treachery, Hongi – a Maori chieftain’s teenage son – must avenge his father’s murder in order to bring peace and honor to the souls of his loved ones. Vastly outnumbered by the band of villains, Hongi’s only hope is to pass through the feared and forbidden Dead Lands and forge an uneasy alliance with the mysterious ‘Warrior’ a ruthless fighter who has ruled the area for years. [IMDB]

Ohhh, Maoris, not Native Americans. Now I feel totally racist. Is it even racister to say I’m more interested now?

Oh sh*t, did Denzel Washington get his daughter kidnapped BY GOD?! Don’t shoot God, Denzel!

By the way, you know what’s some racist-ass sh*t? If you think of a Liam Neeson revenge flick, it’s always his daughter that gets kidnapped. White action hero, it’s almost always daughter or wife. But you think of a Denzel revenge flick, say, Man on Fire, and who does he have to save? A little white girl.

Meanwhile Jason Statham is an outlier. He only saves Asian girls and lingerie models from the former Eastern Bloc.

(we posted a trailer for this a while back, incidentally).

That quote is crazy hyperbolic, but at least it makes sense. You rarely see that long of a pull quote, but it works well here. It’s clear, and it sells what the movie is trying to sell. You just know the selling point of this movie is going to be “Look at him act! LOOK! LOOK HOW HARD HE’S ACTING!”

I keep meaning to see this weird movie because I hear it’s good, but there hasn’t been much marketing, nor has it given any sense of what it’s actually about. Based on this poster, I assume it’s about a singing piñata man who crash lands in a place where everyone has the same haircut.

Hoo boy, that’s some bad Photoshoppin’, and I think I know a little something about bad Photoshopping. What I don’t understand is, actors spend 65% of their time on set waiting for shots to be set up as it is. Is it really that hard to make them pose for a picture while they’re there?

All I know about this is that I’m pretty confident that someone is going to get murdered. I hope Not Olivia Wilde here comes out all right.

Heather already covered this new batch of Hunger Games posters the other day, so all I’ll say here is that it boggles my mind that they took Natalie Dormer and gave her Skrillex’s haircut and somehow she turned out even hotter. She could give me a mockingjay any time, gnome sayin’? (*looks around for high five*)


Anyway, I like to make fun of bad pull quotes, but “Death Wish set in Fargo but funnier and bloodier” is definitely a “shut up and take my money” kind of pull quote. I don’t necessarily believe it, but even if it’s a lie the fact that they told one I want to believe says something on its own.

I guess you pretty much know what you’re gonna get with a musician biopic so there’s no need to reinvent the wheel with the poster. Still, if they were going to go with the guitar silhouette theme I kind of wish they’d used his head as the headstock. And then the cord could be his wiener. They should really consult me on these things.

“Defend your honor.” See, because he’s going to defend a judge, so it will actually be “Your Honor” being defended. Oh yeah, I see what you did there, you clever buggers. Anyway, here’s the trailer. I’m linking it because I like that they actually made the names line up. And they didn’t feel the need to tilt this into a diagonal.

Luke Bracey is really chasing after Pierce Brosnan’s heart in this poster, which is actually pretty accurate to the movie.

Okay, so this one isn’t a poster, just a promo still from The Weinstein Company’s Paddington. It looks like… she drugged some air traffic controllers so she could sneak a talking bear into the country from Peru? Nice Apple keyboard, wherever they are. Maybe the gloves are a hint that she just gave them both epic hand jobs.

This one’s not as creepy as the original that inspired the horror meme, but there’s still a hint of something off. I can’t tell if those eyes say “I’m going to murder you” or “prepare your anus,” but it’s… something. Paddington seems like such a generic reboot title too. I guess it’s better than Paddington: Origins, but that’s not saying much.

There’s all but zero chance I see this movie, but I think this might be the poster of the week. Poor mummy is getting some kind of Raiders of the Lost Ark bukkake party. By the way: porn parody idea: The Hills Have Dicks.

“Look,  we know the poster isn’t much to look at, but we’ve got Jon Stewart’s name and Futura font, we’re going to have beat off the liberals with sticks.”

Of course, we posted the Saving Christmas trailer yesterday, and as great as that was, the poster has a magic all its own. I like that Kirk Cameron is holding the Virgin Mary inside a crystal ball and using a giant candy cane to defend it from infidels, but his facial expression and prominent Vans shoes say “I’m just a regular guy.” “Look, I’m just your average Joe Sixpack using my giant sugary nightstick to beat down any Jews, Atheists, or sympathizers who don’t show the proper respect to my Sky Mom. I’m no hero, it’s what anyone would do.”

I believe GammaSquad posted the trailer for this this morning. You have to admit, “when darkness falls, the son will rise,” is a pretty legit play on words. Other than that, all I have to say about this is:

Okay, so Batman is peeing on a Communist-era TV tower? I don’t know what that means, but I appreciate anything that could’ve inspired such imagery. Here’s the trailer:

Tom Green and Carrot Top? Let’s do this.

This Is Where I Leave You continues its trend of posters that make it look like one of those arthouse movies set entirely in a single room where the characters just yammer at each other the whole time. I hate those kinds of movies.

I don’t speak Asian, but from this I gather that Theo from the Real World becomes a werewolf and the only way to kill him is to stab him through the heart with Chinese characters.

“In a future without water, vengeance will rain.”

Holy crap, it’s just a feast of #wordplay this week, isn’t it. I mean, that definitely sells it better than “directed by Gwyneth Paltrow’s brother.”

Honestly though, you had me at “Michael Shannon looking angry.”

That’s all for this week. Posters via IMPA.