This Week in Posters: C-Tates Just Wants to Wrestle

THIS WEEK IN POSTERSThis Week in Posters & Stills is our weekly round-up (and critique) of all the posterspublicity stills, one-sheets, and set photos that hit in the previous week, a nice little early preview of what’s to come in the movie world. Posted every Wednesday or Thursday.

FOXCATCHER. The true-story drama from Moneyball director Bennett Miller just released two new stills, including the one above, of Steve Carell in his big prosthetic nose (yep, that’s Carell on the left) and Channing Tatum in some shorts that really show off his athletic thighs.

Based on a harrowing true story, Tatum stars as Olympic Gold Medal-winning wrestler Mark Schultz, who is desperate to find a way to come out from beneath the shadow of his brother Dave Schultz (Markt Ruffalo), also an Olympic wrestler. Mark believes that he has a chance to do this when he meets John du Pont, an eccentric multi-millionaire who offers Mark the chance to move in with him and train for the 1988 Olympics in Seoul. This turns out to be a bad move, as du Pont’s turns out to be a paranoid schizophrenic with serious issues and his horrible coaching methods begin to break Mark down psychologically. [CinemaBlend]

You had me at “C-Tates in short shorts.” Look, if it’s gay to want to watch Channing Tatum wrestle, I don’t want to be straight. You could probably just ignore the first half of that last sentence.

ALL IS LOST. Oh hey look, it’s Robert Redford’s latest acting tour de force that I probably won’t see. Still, the poster does a great job selling me on “it’s raining.”

After a collision with a shipping container at sea, a resourceful sailor finds himself, despite all efforts to the contrary, staring his mortality in the face.

What a coincidence, last time I played a resourceful sailor, the safe word was “Redford.”

Here’s the other still from Foxcatcher. That’s Mark Ruffalo on the right. Who do you think is more unrecognizable in this, him or Carell? I assume he’s demonstrating a collar tie here, and C-Tates is all mopey because he just wants to breakdance. C’MON, BRO! JUST WRESTLE ME!

AROUND THE BLOCK. A drama about a young boy who screams at Christina Ricci’s giant head for blocking out the sky while he’s trying to have a roof deck party. I assume.

A story of love, revenge, and triumph, an Aboriginal Boy is torn between his unexpected love of acting and the disintegration of his family. [IMDB]

Damn, I was way off. By the way, have you ever noticed “…and introducing…” seems to be Hollywood shorthand for “THIS FERAL BUSH CHILD HAS NEVER ACTED BEFORE! PLEASE, PREPARE MY OSCARS.”?

ASS BACKWARDS. I’m not totally sure what this one’s about, but I love this poster. Hard.

Two best friends (Kate and Chloe) embark on a cross country trip back to their hometown to attempt to win a pageant that eluded them as children.

They’re like grown-up toddlers in tiaras. Or at least, what the people who put toddlers in tiaras imagine they would look like, grown up. In real life, they look like meth heads and Honey Boo Boo’s mom.

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS. “Out here, survival is everything.”

Is there a place where survival isn’t everything? It’s kind of a necessary pre-condition, at least, isn’t it? Like, “sure, I’m dead, but these drapes sure are tasteful.”

I’m just not sure how this is going to make for an interesting story. Some Somalis boarded a ship, and the Navy SEALS shot them. The end. “Sucks for You: A Somali Story,” starring Tom Hanks.

CINEMANOVELS. People wonder why your average Joe Sixpack in Bumblef*ck, Flyover doesn’t care about your fancy film festival movies, and here’s a perfect visual illustration of why. What the hell am I supposed to think this movie is about? Two chicks who sort of look like young Ellens? What is the point of such a mundane yet obtuse poster? F*ck you, Cinemanovels, I’m not looking it up.

A MADEA CHRISTMAS. Tyler Perry made a Christmas movie, everyone! I hope he saw fit to include some Jesus stuff in this one, he is the reason for the season, after all. I think “ho ho ho” might be secret code for “stop being a ho and marry a nice man, fornicators.”

Incidentally, Kaseem Bentley had me Google “Tyler Perry lays hands on T.D. Jakes” yesterday and I still haven’t stopped laughing. Specifically, this picture. OH GOD, RUN AWAY, TYLER PERRY’S ABOUT TO CRUSH HIS SKULL LIKE SCANNERS!

Perry then drew screams of approval from the audience as he began speaking in tongues and said, ” When you hear the voice of God, you move.” His impromptu sermon ended with him laying his hands on Bishop Jakes saying,” I pray the Blood of Jesus will come upon you right now.” [UrbanDaily]


Gross, bro.

CRACKERJACK. Well at least we know what this one’s about. Wait, is that a midget baseball player and a Jesus mascot? I may have spoke too soon.

ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW. If you knew that Escape from Tomorrow is a horror fantasy shot guerilla-style at Disneyland without the park’s permission, you’d know why this poster is so badass.

GRAVITY. Fog me, Clooney. Fog me raw. That’s pure gravitas inside that helmet. It reacts with the vacuum of space and creates a gauzy shield that makes you look 10 years younger.

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE. The Hunger Games sequel has all your favorites from the original – Cat Nips, Pita Bread, Heymitch Jablome, Lenny Kravitz… PLUS, a whole new gang with whom to get acquainted! This time around, there’s Jock Dude, Butt Girl, Old Lady, Axe Chick, Twink with a Trident, and Paul Giamatti. I can’t wait!

LET THE FIRE BURN. I don’t know what’s going on here, and I’m intrigued. Nicely done.

On May 13, 1985, Philadelphia police dropped two pounds of military explosives onto a city row house occupied by the radical group MOVE. The resulting fire was not fought for over an hour although firefighters were on the scene with water cannons in place. Five children and six adults were killed and sixty-one homes were destroyed by the six-alarm blaze, one of the largest in the city’s history. This dramatic tragedy unfolds through an extraordinary visual record previously withheld from the public. It is a graphic illustration of how prejudice, intolerance and fear can lead to unthinkable acts of violence.

Yes, I would like to see this. Aren’t white people the worst?

THE MACHINE. AKA, “Generic Sci-fi Plot: The Movie.”

Two computer programmers fall in love as they create the first ever piece of self-aware artificial intelligence, which is designed to help humanity. But things go wrong when the MoD steal their breakthrough and teach it to become a robotic weapon. [IMDB]

Accurate poster is accurate.

BAD MILO. Bad Milo is a movie about a demon living in Ken Marino’s butt, and the poster features a skateboarding butt baby. It also stars Patrick Warburton and Karl Hungus. I think I’m in love, you guys. 

MR. NOBODY. This must be really good because it premiered four years ago and is just now getting a release. At least Jared Leto isn’t trying to method act in this one. I hate that obnoxious poseur.  

MR. PIP. “When they needed hope, he gave them Great Expectations.”

Again, points for clarity of concept. I just hope it has some equations being drawn on mirrors, or kids standing on desks shouting oaths. Something that really says “changin’ this boy’s life.”

As a war rages on in the province of Bougainville in Papua New Guinea, a young girl becomes transfixed by the Charles Dickens novel Great Expectations, which is being read at school by the only white man in the village.

Ooh, Papua New Guinea. That’s new, at least. And there, “we eat teachers like you for breakfast” isn’t an idle threat.

PHILOMENA. “Delightful British People: The Movie.”

Related: Did anyone actually see The Queen?

PRISONERS. Get it? The maze is, like, a metaphor for the game of cat and mouse they’re playing. The maze metaphor barely edged out chess pieces. 

RIDDICK. I like the art, but I could’ve used more Vin Diesel choking a pterodactyl, like in the trailer. 

THE RIGHT KIND OF WRONG. Falling for an Earthy broad who plays football in a wedding dress? Ha, that’s just classic YOU, hoodie guy.

Ooh, I wonder if she’ll have a bitchy, disapproving friend. If this was directed by Tyler Perry, it’d be called The Wright Kind of Wrong, and the leads would be Terrence Wright and Alicia Wrong. The twist is she gets AIDS at the end. 

RUSH. It’s a little weird that they’ve released like ten versions of this poster with the same shots of Chris Hemsworth and Daniel Bruhl staring all derpy at the camera in every one. Chris Hemsworth just looks like a romance novel model, and the way they’re overlapped in this one makes it look like Brühl is panting on his neck. Hot. 

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY. (trailer here). I get that this is supposed to be about Ben Stiller’s rich fantasy life, but honestly, what kind of asshole brings a briefcase to his fantasies?

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY. Shark surfing. Yes. Yes, more of this, please.

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY. Yeesh, we get it, you like mountaintops. What is this, a Creed video? 

See, I told you Jews live inside the hollow moon.

THE SUMMIT. I know this is supposed to be a sad story about people dying and stuff, but the quote with “GRIPPING” and “THROBBING” right next to each other has me all discombobulated. 

THESE BIRDS WALK. These Birds Walk. Hmm, what are pigeons, Alex?

A poor runaway boy and a reluctant ambulance driver in Karachi. Their two lives come together through a dying humanitarian upon whom so much of their daily lives depend.

The fact that it’s a documentary makes me slightly interested, though “the kind of documentary you’d expect Terrence Malick to make” makes me imagine a guy filming tree bark and grasses gently blowing in the breeze while the characters mumble to each other, just out of frame.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION. Get it? It’s the fourth one. And the final one, God willing.

[Posters via IMPA]

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