FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Nazis, Nicholas Sparks, And Confused James Franco

We’re starting this week’s This Week in Posters with Nicholas Sparks, and why not? This poster so clearly follows the Sparks formula — the close-eyed headbutt, the sunset, the cathartic moment next to a body of water — that they don’t even bother with actors’ names. “Do you like Nicholas Sparks movies? Because this is a Nicholas Sparks movie.”

According to IMDb, Teresa Palmer and Ben Walker play the main couple, so I assume that’s them sitting underneath the altar. (I believe your people might call it a chuppah?) And knowing Sparks, the “choice” will involve her having to choose between her crew scholarship to Harvard and staying on the North Carolina coast to raise adopted orphans with a wounded ex-Marine who runs a quaint shop selling ships in bottles. What will she choose! I bet she’ll pick a fancy career as a Northeast intellectual over small-town Southern love, that’d be just like Nicholas Sparks, the Thomas Kinkade of fiction.

Something about this poster just screams “film-student movie.” Is it the self-awareness? The yellow text?

“If you like movies, you’ll love this movie, which is definitely a movie. Starring Dave, Mark, Steve, Tony’s cousin Tina… and, someone has a gun for some reason. Coming this Fall, Movie: The Movie.”

This poster for Burnt (trailer here) is a little strange — Bradley Cooper has his arms crossed and his head cocked to the side like he wants to fight me, but the guy on his left is smiling at the crowd and doing shout-outs like he’s walking the red carpet. Sienna Miller’s slightly parted, come hither lips belie her tough-girl bob and multiple cartilage piercings. In any case, this still looks like the trying-too-hard version of Chef. We need a John Leguizamo character in there for levity.

“Go ahead, punk, make my soufflé.”

If your movie has Eric Roberts and a guy holding a gun in the poster, stop drilling, you’ve struck oil. But this one also has a wrestler in the lead (did WWE studios get big-timed by John Cena?) and a sweet tagline: “THE WORLD’S DEADLIEST GAME IS BACK ONLINE.”

Online, eh? I have to say, nothing about this poster gave me any hint that it was about gamers.

Douglas Brown is going with the old fashioned poster, with just the names, sort of a bold choice when the biggest name is Dan Hedaya. That said, I love Dan Hedaya. Fun fact: Writer/director Justin Daly is Ingrid Bergman’s grandson.

Written and directed by first-time filmmaker Justin Daly, Douglas Brown is a Hollywood satire inspired by the inside knowledge he gleaned from grandmother Ingrid Bergman. James McCaffrey, Ebon Moss-Bachrach, Zoe Bell, Bill Sage, Dan Hedaya and Robert Forster star in the Player-esque story of a reclusive movie star who hires a private detective after he’s anonymously blackmailed. Things turn violent when an aspiring writer is fingered for the crime in a dangerous case of mistaken identity. [Indiewire]

(*Zoolander voice*) Sounds cool. I’m jealous, the only knowledge I gleaned from my grandmother was not to put my feet on the davenport.

Revolution Interrupted – that’s a straightforward concept and the poster designer clearly ran with it. So, why the question mark after it?

 

I can’t stop looking at this poster for The Good Dinosaur. There’s a lesson here: Googly eyes always works.

It’s a film about… a smudgy window… in the rain… and some kids… are in a boat? A movie about some smudgy kids in a boat? Don’t worry about it, man, the critics liked it. It’s real artsy. In fact, this is probably the most adverbly adjective movie you’ll see this year.

“Nothing can prepare you for the end.”

Damn, is Jennifer Lawrence shooting arrows at the devil? Maybe this is going to be better than I thought.

Random aside: a friend of mine told me recently that a coworker of his named her daughter “Katniss Everdeen.” How many “Bella Swans” do you think are running around out there now? Are our young adult fiction writers are going to have to start naming their protagonists “Steve” and “Stacey” just so we don’t end up with an army of preposterously named Starbucks baristas?

 

Ooh, the floating heads are on a naked lady, I see what you did there. Seems like they could’ve given her more of a nipple though, she sort of looks like a mannequin torso as it is. Maybe it’s a movie about a real doll?

Also, is anyone going to talk about Keanu Reeves’ weird shaped facial hair? The man has a natural Futurebeard.

The Martian deserves some credit for being the first movie ever not to depict Mars as bright red.

This poster is so cool I would wear it on a t-shirt, and I only sort of liked this movie. The spot around his head reminds me of those medieval Jesus paintings.

The Martian, starring Matt Damon as Medieval Jesus.” That’s a strong pitch.

If there isn’t a scene where the boys slow-motion walk while an old school rap song plays in this, I will eat an entire ugly sweater.

Nice headphones, Ethan Hawke, where’d you regress to, 1996? (Sorry, I sat here for 10 minutes trying to think of anything to say about this poster.)

Here’s the Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (should it be Scout’s Guide? Discuss.) poster, going with the classic “tower of characters” design. I’m not sure anything could make me want to see a movie about Boy Scouts fighting zombies (are we almost to the bottom of the “fresh takes on the zombie genre” list yet? I hope so), but I’ll admit the zombie cat has me reconsidering.

Here’s a Portuguese poster for Sleeping With Other People, starring Jason Sudeikis and Alison Brie. What is that a jar of? Apple juice? Apple sauce? I’m not sure I understand the euphemism here. Is this a cultural thing?

So… the serial killer and the psychic can both see the future? According to the IMDb page, this also stars Jeffrey Dean Morgan as “Agent Joe Merriweather.” I’d like to think this was directed by someone who has pictures of Anthony Hopkins and Colin Farrell at a drug orgy.

This is a star-studded film, but the real star of this poster is Futura font.

 

“Guy in hoodie” has been movie shorthand for “computer hacker” for so long that you could take the title off this and I’d still know it was supposed to be a movie about hacking.

It’s still in production according to IMDb, but… Eric Roberts and Tom Green? Where do I sign up?

Yes, please, I will watch anything about the secret lives of Nazis, so the straightforward poster concept is best here. Also, I wonder if they’re going to talk about that haircut becoming popular again. “Mom, why do all the Nazis look like David Beckham?”

I don’t know what it is about James Franco with a tasteful sweater and a concerned look on his face that makes me laugh every time I look at it, but it does. Every. Single. Time. Confused James Franco in a sweater is the new Earnest Kevin Connolly in a scarf.

That picture will never not slay me. Earnest Kevin Connolly and Confused James Franco should be in a buddy cop movie together. Actually, who am I kidding, Confused James Franco in a Sweater makes everything better.

Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

×