The Great Gatsby is Spring Breakers (This Week in Posters)

The other day when I posted the Fergie song on the Great Gatsby soundtrack, I couldn’t shake the feeling that The Great Gatsby would be the non tongue-in-cheek Spring Breakers. This latest batch of posters only seemed to confirm my suspicions, thus I added captions. I think the Spring Breakers captions work so well that I didn’t even need to alter them. Memes, mash-ups, the internet, etc. It’s important work we’re doing here.

Throats against the current, beer-bonged ceaselessly into the past.

I think this one’s my favorite. He’s got that look on his face that’s like “I’m daydreaming about big booties right now.”

Here’s a poster for Augustine, which appears to be a sexy Victorian drama about sex. You have to set sex dramas in the Victorian era, so you can be sexy without showing all the dongs going in and stuff (censors hate that). Anyway, this looks good. I’ve always said, cool febrility is the first thing I look for in a film.

Seriously, what the f*ck does that even mean? Isn’t “cooly febrile” like saying “diminutively large?” That is the perfect, meaningless fake-smart review quote.

Here’s the poster for Sofia Coppola’s The Bling Ring, about a gang of obnoxious teenagers who rob celebrities, from A24 – backed by Megan Ellison, who is almost single-handedly keeping the film industry relevant these days. She is just the best.

Anyway, the challenge here is going to be how to tell this story without the audience hating the characters so much that they just immediately shut down.


Memes, the internet, web 2.0, etc. I’m just not sure the Rick Roll meme requires any additional exploration, like say, Winnebago Man did. In fact, I think this one’s pretty self-explanatory. Anyway, this was always my favorite piece on the subject of Rick Rolling.

I didn’t know who Tomi Ungerer was, but now I want to. So… success.

But who’s he looking at, who?! I dunno, man, I just can’t suspend disbelief enough to enjoy a movie where this guy hangs out with like 10 other guys and not a single one of them asks, “Hey, man, so, uh… what’s up with the spandex t-shirts?”

WHO WILL PROTECT THIS HOUSE! THE ROCK, THAT’S WHO! -6 Fast 6 Furious’s Under Armour tie-in campaign.

Not nearly as good as some of the previous Hangover III posters. And I say this as a person who’s pretty tired of Ken Jeong’s shit.

You may remember Hatchet II got pulled from theaters, the few that would even release it, after an NC-17 rating and rumors of MPAA pressure. This one looks equally restrained.

I don’t know if this is necessary growing pains, or just a crappy rest stop on the way to full gender equality, where now women get to headline the kind of crappy, broad genre comedy that were formerly the domain of only men, but is it okay if I applaud from the sidelines without getting into the theater line for this one? I’m happy to see talented female comedy actors be able to do the same paycheck movies as male, but all the same this movie looks like a flaming turd bazooka.

Burnsy posted the trailer for this the other day, and I definitely like his idea for “Java Heat” better. Also, they left out the best part of the movie by less than an inch: the carnation in Mickey Rourke’s lapel. Carnations in lapels always make you look jaunty and dapper. Back when I waited tables at a restaurant inside this fancy hotel, there was this old guy who used to show up (we’re talking in his seventies) wearing a fedora and a nice seersucker suit with a carnation in the lapel. He looked like such a fancy old dandy that it was usually hours before we had to kick him out for saying lewd things to guests and spilling his wine and trying to distract from demands that he pay his tab with long stories and terrible jokes. Best-dressed goddamn penniless wino I ever saw. Let that be a lesson to you, dress for the job you want.

Whatever, he doesn’t even have a sticker on that hat, he can’t be that much of a baller.

Here’s the latest poster for Only God Forgives, that movie from the Drive director where Baby Goose beats people up and looks forlorn. I just checked aaand… yep, still got a big ol’ boner for this one.

EW via ThePlaylist

A boring, bland poster for a Jerry Bruckheimer Disney movie, gee, imagine that.

Nothing against Tom Wilkinson though, Tom Wilkinson is the man.

Who’s watching? Is it Agent Smith from the Matrix? Because that would be a pretty good twist.

Bob Seger’s “Night Moves” on the soundtrack or GTFO.

Haha, she’s upside down.

Spike Lee’s Oldboy remake poster is counting down the days. The cast for this looks amazing, but when’s the last time that helped a Spike Lee film? We all know Spike Lee is the black Oliver Stone, but who’s the better filmmaker? Discuss.

I dig the hand-painted retro posters, not so much the people-inside-silhouettes style. Also, what’s going on with the shape of her shirt? And the white space kind of looks like Bart Simpson coming at me with an axe.

Yep, Ryan Reynolds is “RIPD.” I can’t believe this moronic idea actually made it into production. Ryan Reynolds and Jeff Bridges seem pretty surprised about it themselves.

Aka “White Men in Black.”

This is one of nine posters for something called “Snowpiercer.” No way I’m posting nine posters for something I just heard of today, but at least we’re not in Eskimo country, where it has 27 different titles. (Get it? That was an Eskimo joke).

Jeez, take a shower, John Hurt, and maybe clear your damn throat once in a while.

Jamie Bell. That’s his name. You’re welcome.

See? There are ways to have those diagonal lines in the poster and still have it make sense. How much better is this than just taking a straight-on picture and tilting the horizon line off kilter? It’s a LOT better. Don’t worry, I’ll answer the questions around here.

Wait, this is for Star Trek?  Zoe Saldana’s outfit looks like she could be in The Warriors.

I don’t know what’s going on here, but I like it. Is this what doing Angel Dust feels like?

Boooo. I don’t like this angle. It doesn’t sell The ‘batchelor’s (that’s what we’re calling Benedict Cumberbatch now, thanks Larry) sweet bangs.

Is that a shirt made out of scarves? What are you, an Olsen twin now? Those chicks look like the mic stand at an Aerosmith concert.

Here’s the poster for 300 2: EVEN RAINIER. This summer… get wet.

At the risk of stating the obvious… they all died at the end of the first one, no?

So wait, is this going to be some kind of dance featuring trucks? Now this is why I go to the ballet.

I refuse to be baited into a “sand negro” joke, I REFUSE! Anyway, Craig Robinson said what’s up to me in the hallway at the Hollywood Improv once time. He seems nice. Cool story, huh.

Sparks fly when Wade Walker crashes the Peeples annual reunion in the Hamptons to ask for their precious daughter Grace’s hand in marriage.


Here’s an undeniably badass poster for Willow Creek, designed by Alex Pardee, courtesy of who else, Badass Digest. It also happens to be for a Bobcat Goldthwait movie about Bigfoot. Set interest to “piqued.”

I wonder if this poster represents the different aspects of Hugh Jackman’s personality, “Frank” and “Charles.